Stripped, Whipped, and Ready To Be Clipped


Let me just start out by saying one thing here. The world we appear to be inhabiting is, by all accounts, totally fucked from one end to the other and from top to bottom. 6+ billion fragmented little entities all scurrying around hiding from debt collectors, death squads, their own transgressions and lies, the resulting fallout from other's lies, their inner self and each other. Prodded by some unknown and invisible stick, we feel a pressure building and this is coming out in all kinds of different ways. Wars are waged based on lies. Laws are passed in a vain attempt to keep the lid on the little guys, so that when something pops up that might create the momentum for change it gets stamped out and minimized. I'll bet lots and lots of drugs and alcohol are being consumed and many other things that I don't care to mention or even think about. And fear shows up with its good buddy anger in tow, looking for an opportunity to latch on and create a mess somewhere.

There is a void that needs filling. For a long time it seemed like things were pretty easy and straightforward. You do your work thing, socialize a bit, maybe create some art or just zone out and groove on someone else's creation. Then things got tricky. The ride got bumpy, and things got jarred and broken along the way. Eventually, questions creep in, like "What the fuck are we doing here?" and "How the hell do I get out of this mess?".

It is a mess. A big, stinky, expanding mess that threatens to engulf the whole world and cast us into any number of darker, more threatening conditions. Who is going to pull clean-up duty on this one? How can we recover as a species if we don't all take a deep breath and say "Do over!"? Is there really someone in charge that knows the outcome of all this and is doing these things for our own good? Are lessons being given so we have an opportunity to do better next time or down the road? I don't know. I just don't know.

I used to sit in AA meetings years ago and listen to people tell their stories. Time after time I would hear someone recall all the horrors that visited them and their loved ones (or even strangers), and I would always say to myself "Man, I'm sure glad none of that shit ever happened to me!". Well, I guess things can happen that profoundly impact our lives and the lives of the ones around us without flashing lights or high drama. Bad shit has visited me in a very stealthy but persistent manner, and now I find myself at wit's end and wishing that I could just get off this rock. I hate to admit it, but since this is my blog and is essentially for my own consumption, I get to say exactly what I feel - I feel like death would be a blessing right now. Each time I feel that crushing pain in my chest or my arm goes numb, a small part of me hopes that this will be the moment of my demise. Sorry if anyone who cares about me sees this, but I would not be fighting for my life if the Reaper came calling. If that makes me selfish and a pussy for not taking this shit and forcing a smile on my face so I can "carry on", too bad.

I know that many people have it far tougher than I do. It seems silly to sit in my warm, spacious home with my toys and food on the shelf, bitching about how much my life sucks right now, but the thing that sits on my shoulders and convinces me that it is all a scam and a bad illusion is very persistent and quite cunning. Fear, uncertainty and anger are the order of my days, and it seems just as silly to take stock of the situation and say "It's all good". The things I once viewed as important parts of my existence have all been shown to be hollow and superficial. I once defined myself as a musician, but that is a lie. I thought I had a good head on my shoulders, but it has turned against me. It once appeared that I had many friends and was a valued part of a social structure, but no more. I am on my own with this one. Even my only remaining blood relative, my own brother, who lives just a few miles away, is a stranger.

And then there is pain. Real, constant, physical pain. I can usually manage most of the other things that gnaw at me from above my shoulders, but what to do about constant pain? I suppose prescription drugs are a way of mitigating it, but that has a set of challenges associated with it, too. I have found comfort in the use of marijuana, but that isn't something that I can do legally here in Minnesota (thanks, T-Paw - you fucking asshole) and it leads to other problems. It really wears on a person. I'm soooo ready to be beyond all this, but cannot bring myself to end my life in a dramatic way, so it seems I am doing it slowly? I don't know. This all seems too dramatic and self-serving even typing this and sending it out to the world, where someone might actually read it, but I don't care. The world can kiss my ass.

So I endure. I woke up again this morning. O.K., I didn't wake up as much as I just stopped tossing and turning in bed with visions of acts of rage and words of anger rolling around in my brain. Will this ever get better? Are these the "good old days" and even harsher tests are forthcoming? Is it really the job of the world to strip away all the things that we thought were important so we are forced to see the only thing that really is?

Even as I type this and roll around in all this self-pity, that small, glowing thing with the silly grin on its face is there, mocking me from the center of my body. It stays there, silent, but knowing something that can't be shared yet. I know that the raging, pitiful creature that I see in the mirror is not who I really am. I have been given a taste of what deep, enduring love looks like, and it is not here right now. It came and went like some kind of meteor streaking across the sky, making me gasp in awe, then burning up in an instant of intense light and heat, leaving me longing for its return.

Alright, enough of this shit. I just want to say one thing to the world as I see it currently. You can batter me, drag me around behind your pickup, deny me the things I need (or think I need), hold up examples of things to taunt me, or even twist my physical being into knots so I'm rendered totally lame. You will not extinguish my inner flame. Z is beyond your reach and doesn't buy into this game. If nothing else comes from this experience here, know that that thing that is the true part, the invincible part, carries on to the next step, and I will protect and care for it no matter what is thrown my way.

I just wish it didn't have to hurt so fucking bad.

Comments

  1. Yes Z.

    Best, turey.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Zoner:
    Please consider trying my mom-in-law's Chinese doctor. Chinese medicine really helped her recover from a chronic condition caused by Western medicine.
    Chinese medicine is often better at helping with chronic conditons...
    You know how to reach me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Z- also here in N metro area, also chronic pain, also Les V reader who feels/thinks as u all do. Get by hr by hr sometimes, but feel pulled to continue, if only perverse sense of curiosity to see to a global crash & rebuilding, how close it comes to some predictions. Something keeps me thinking I'm supposed to contribute to the survival/renewal.

    Peace. Insurgency of 1 (xZILLIONS) rog15mn
    ps-don't reply to this url if it shows, (pc owned by the beast)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Peace indeed. So glad to know that I'm not the only one driven by that perverse curiosity.

    I used to think it was my ego telling me that in spite of our society showing me to be a complete and utter failure, there was a reason for me to be here going through this stuff.

    Thanks for dropping in, rog15mn and all.

    Z

    ReplyDelete
  5. dear brother zoner,
    I know just the way you feel, for me some days are worse than others, I don't know whats coming next but todays origami from les gave me another day. The pain we feel might be the pains of birth to a new world this thought keeps me here today. Love your blog don't give up,talk to you tomorrow. deal?

    ReplyDelete
  6. never think you're alone in this. You aren't. There are plenty of us out there.

    Why don't you leave the country? It's easier to be here if you can look at the US from outside, like LV.

    I agree with the poster about chinese medicine. Can fix things in a much more holistic fashion ...

    greetings from a well-wisher

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi, just read this.
    You're not alone.
    Good vibes to you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Just stumbled upon your blog from Les Visible's and i'm glad i read this essay. I needed to. It was as though i could have written it myself to describe exactly how i am feeling. I too feel like i am dying a slow death as my body is shutting down to the utter madness i observe around me. How can others not see it? I ask myself. Why are they too not protesting through involuntary chronic depression? How can this absurdity be sold to us as real when it is all an illusion based on a conditioned reality? Up is down, back is front, war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength- yet the masses continue to feed it. Where are the humans? Can somebody please tell me. My disillusionment to all which i observe has manifested in a despondency which makes me question my very reason for sustaining my own life and prolonging my suffering and conflict. All i can hope for in my lifetime is for some sort of reset button to allow for a rebirth of mankind. This is not what it means to be human and this is not how it should be.

    Thanks for not making me feel so alone- but i do wish there were people like you around me, it seems to be the only way to seek solace in a world that has lost its way.

    Krishnamurti said ' It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society'

    Awareness- it baffles me that it is so rare. And the reward? Suffering and torment. There is a reason- there has to be. Keep writing.

    Hang in there- the world needs you.

    warm regards from Montreal

    Oscar

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oscar, I appreciate the words of solidarity and have longed for the "reset button" as well.

    Yes, there must be a reason, and I hope that we can hang around until the cycle swings the other way. Please know that there are many, many of us that are awakening and it is only a matter of time before push comes to shove - or love as the case may be.

    I appreciate the confirmation from the rest of you as well. The crowd is gathering, and the show will begin soon I think.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Only those with a grip on this turd of a reality Mammon has wrought upon the world will be able to help calm and educate the sreaming masses. Few will be helped down from the trees of filth... But those of us that see the need to help will just have to do the good a right thing when our time is upon us. You don't know just how strong you are untill many need your help desperatly just to remain living. Please try to see the lamentaions of the day are a warning to steel your help of the many that you may be more empowered. You may not see your gift but a gift is yours to share even if your days seem to cloud it's actual shape. When the time comes YOU WILL KNOW. We all have a nasty path to endure if we want to survive these tests. Hope and Faith will guide you when you least expect it to.
    Good luck Z!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I, as well as many others walk with you.
    Burnie

    Why can't I post unless I use Sea Monkey, Firefox won't allow me.

    ReplyDelete
  12. willietrumble@hotmail.comJanuary 20, 2010 at 4:40 PM

    Wow. Aside from the chronic pain, I could have almost written your blog myself. I am completely disgusted with the world and the manipulation of the human race. I hate waking up everyday. My own Dad said to me the other night "don't make waves". Seriously? I wonder how I never saw through his ego and self-centered approach to everything. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but FUCK! Is the whole world retarded? We would be better if we were all retarded. People laugh at 2012, just another y2k. I hope not. This needs to end now. It's like having a sunburn and rolling around on the not-so-soft side of velcro. My soul is screaming with rage, sadness, animosity, and unforgiving seething hate for those in power raping us all. I want the government to have more power. Then, they can blow this planet up and be done with it. I wish like a child wanting a bike, for nuclear war. I wish for an untimely death. There is nothing for me on this rock. I feel like a rapper who is stuck in a black metal concert, this place is just not for me. I'm comforted slightly by your distaste for current events, and also worsened. I see that many people feel this way and around me in my little part of the world, no one else seems to notice or complain. They just keep plugging along. Maybe they are trying to ignore it. The elephant in the room is getting pretty fucking big. What do we do? We walk past local homeless people to go make donations to Haiti. HELLO?! Is this disaster the latest media frenzy or what? Good for you BEN STILLER. I'm glad I saw you on tv looking like a hero. Why don't you just go ahead and plug your newest movie while your in the spotlight. Since when the fuck did 'we' care about other countries? We passed 200 mil. in donations so far. What about everyone else dying from starvation in countries that are not under natural disaster? I try so hard to keep a smile on my face. It's almost painful to smile. I sometimes wake up and wonder if I'll just forget how to someday. I have almost no one to talk to about this. Most around me still think big brother is working for us. I don't trust most my family. They would probably sell me out for their country. The only things that make me happy anymore are my fiancee, our children, music and drugs. Sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll. That's all we have left to numb ourselves from this bullshit existence that we have lazily let a few greedy bastards ruin for us.

    ReplyDelete

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