What defines "family"?

Greeting Brothers and Sisters, and thank you for casting your gaze upon these scribblings. I hope this moment finds you well and well-tended.

Time to toast the silence again with a question for those who have pondered such things - what, exactly, is a family made of? The obvious first answer is borne of biology and then expands out to unions, but how can we move beyond these boundaries or even knock them down and allow ourselves to choose who we want to live our lives with and not be shackled by traditional definitions that often trap us in situations that we would ordinarily not willingly embrace?

These questions arise due to a looming issue with a "family" member. I use quotations because by definition, this person is a part of my family but is also the type of person who I would avoid at all costs and certainly seek to shelter my children from. We are talking about a person who has spent a lifetime seeking the "easy way", and now finds herself in the position that she has sought for decades. This is a woman who endured verbal and physical abuse herself, and allowed it to be perpetrated upon her children, yet would not divorce the man responsible for the following reason;

"Why settle for half when you can have it all?"

So, now she is there. With the death of her husband, she now "has it all" in the form of material things like investments, a big house (paid for), and all the other "stuff" that kept her in her relationship for so long. She has "won" her prize, yet finds herself in poor physical health and with far too much to manage on her own. This has created a situation where her 2 children are being pulled upon by emotional manipulation to come to her aid so she can maintain her lifestyle without having to give up her new booty. Offering to pay her son minimum wage to become her handyman/laborer/go-fer so she can run off to the casino and do her thing is one of her solutions. Never mind the fact that he has his own life. Crying on the phone about her fears and loneliness, yet unable to find a solution that does not require a major disruption of the lives of her kids to make the next transition. How does one sift through the rubble of the past to arrive at the "right thing" that needs to be done?

This is a woman who once said to my wife, out of the blue, "You know, I think Winona should have been an only child" (Winona being the older of my two daughters). WTF does that mean?!? That our little one isn't worthy of living is what I get from that. This is a person who has made a career out of tearing others down and back-stabbing while putting on a smile and adopting this sweet little old lady stance. She is evil. She is of the opinion that I am worthless as a partner since I do not act like her husband did - being the "provider". I may be deeply flawed and possibly even a loser, but I have NEVER beaten my wife or told my kids the were worthless and would only succeed in life by using what lies between their legs to get ahead.

So here we are, facing a choice about what to do with this person. The vengeful part of me (or maybe the wise part - I honestly don't know yet) wants to allow her to enjoy (suffer) the fruits of her efforts, yet there is a compassionate part that sees the damaged child that is scared and in need. Then there is the notion of "duty" to one's family that keeps coming up. But I ask you, does this exist? What obligations do we have to those who brought us into this world? How many of you have family that have been cast aside because being around them was seriously detrimental to your mental health?

I remember being faced with a similar choice when my father was dying. We had moved into a small cabin at my auntie's resort in the north woods with my aunts and uncle to care for him as he slipped out of this world. Winter was upon us and we were faced with having to move into the main lodge with all of them as our cabin was not adequately equipped to deal with the cold, and I could not fathom being under the same roof with my "family" all winter ( images from "The Shining" kept appearing). I had a brand-new baby and a house back in the city to deal with, not to mention the thick cloud of tobacco smoke and psychopathy that hung in the air in that lodge, so I chose to move back to our own home and let my elders deal with my dad. Upon informing him of my choice, he cursed me and said that this would never be forgiven, and that I was violating some sort of family code. This from a man who left my life at age 2 and popped in and out for the next 20 years and never contributed a dime to my upkeep while my mom raised me and my brother (different dad) by herself. Was it my "duty" to expose my own family to the virtual and literal toxicity of that place just so he could be happy in his final months? I didn't think so and I have never regretted that choice.

I did return in the spring and was there for his final breath, spending the last few days sleeping at the side of his bed to help him deal with the dementia that had arrived due to his cancer moving into his brain, and when he asked me to help him end his suffering I obliged without hesitation. This was not done out of a sense of duty or from some sense of obligation, but rather out of a desire to help the human being in front of me. I would do the same for a complete stranger. There was no inheritance, no windfall or cashing-in, just the desire to do the right thing as I understood it in that moment.

So now a similar situation has arisen with my mother-in-law. She is toxic in the extreme, and is eminently capable of inflicting great harm to my wife and kids due to her complete lack of a filter on her mouth. Our current life situation is not perfect in every way, but the one thing we have cultivated here is a deep sense of respect and an abundance of love for one another. The thought of uprooting my family and exposing them to such potential harm causes me great angst, and does for my wife as well. Are we bound by blood or is there a different meaning for this word "family"?

I often visit many of your blogs or read your comments and have come to view you as a virtual family that brings love and wisdom freely without any sense of obligation. I have very little real family alive and the same situation exists for my wife. I see so many of you as my kin and have felt blessed by the love you have given me over the years without even ever having met most of you in person. This is what a family is in my mind - people who choose to come together and find a way to support and honor one-another with no thought about what is to be gained in return. I have heard it said that we choose who we will be with before we enter this realm, and that is often a tough one to wrap the brain around, but at what point does the blood connection cease to have any meaning and become a shackle rather than choice? I really don't know and am asking humbly for any insight any of you may have regarding this distinction.

We are most certainly in the midst of the Apocalypse. All of the sticky, nasty stuff we have been carefully hiding away seems to be surfacing whether we like it or not, and the time has come to sort this shit out once and for all. Some appear to be meeting this challenge with grace and amazing strength, while others are completely melting down and losing their shit. I find myself vacillating back and forth between the 2 and hope to find some strength and wisdom by putting this out as call for assistance from my own family, wherever or whoever you are.

I do hope that life is bright and filled with kindness and loving embraces for all of you. I know that things seem really dire in so many ways, but I also know that we are capable of moving beyond what appears to be our current "reality" and finding the real definition of what it is to be a loving and supportive group of scattered and separate entities (or so it seems) and live our lives as a true family, no matter what has come before. All it requires I think is letting go of the hurt of the past and a willingness to see where we are One, not many. Best of luck to all who choose this path.

Moving In Stereo

"Life's the same, I'm moving in stereo,

Life's the same, except for my shoes

Life's the same, you're shaking like tremolo,

Life's the same, It's all inside you....."



Well, that really about sums it up - thanks for dropping by!

But seriously, what can be said at this point? This point of "nothing is as it was (or appeared to be) and anything goes" we have arrived at seems poised to rewrite the rules of existence and the question then becomes "what'cha gonna do about it?"

I can tell you what I have been doing. Absolutely nothing. The past 6 months of winter were spent emulating a large bear or possibly a hedgehog, with only short periods of activity (mostly shoveling snow endlessly) interrupting the stasis. A sort of half-aware state that offered a great deal of reflective space and an opportunity to get dragged off on some pretty interesting paths by the ceaseless actions of that old reliable friend, the Mind. I will observe that the passage of time has accelerated to the point that it really is pointless to try and "keep up", so learning to surf the waves rather than try and outsmart and avoid them has been a good practice to be in. I should add that the surf is definitely "up", so suit up and meet me at the beach later and we'll have us a grand old time.

There was a self-imposed internet-free zone in the middle of my hibernation and I must say that after I got over the initial withdrawal and settled into the heightened isolation, it was a wondrous thing. It showed me that rolling around daily in the world of internet "news" was damaging a part of me badly and it needed to stop. I'll say this as observation, and only as a personal view, but dragging one's soul daily through the endless parade of doom porn has consequences. There is "being informed", then there is "wallowing in it", and I'll state that no matter how many different ways you can say "We're hosed" (with links and pictures!), it does not do the soul any good to get too wrapped up in it. It is just an illusion, after all.....or so I'm told. For some, this is their profession, and others are obviously aspiring to make it theirs as well. Good luck with that. You should be plenty busy from now on.

Ultimately, when one comes to terms with the reality that we are ALL doomed in one way or another, it comes to the question - "now what?" For many it seems, this real is seen as the only avenue of expression and there is no "next" plane or expectation after what happens here. This leaves the opportunity to go absolutely into indulgent mode and act out in all kinds of ways. If this is truly all there is, then they might as well pull the pillars down on the way out. I think it is clear to see that this is what is occurring in the places where those who fancy themselves "in control" gather. The party is ending, so let's go out with a bang. Many have spent decades, lifetimes even, sussing out who and what these creatures are, but they are somehow always out of sight and just out of reach, so we'll never know the full extent of any of these dramas and I believe soon it will no longer be relevant to those who wish to exist beyond the system of hierarchy and dominance. The character of "Mr Gold" in the excellent movie "Revolver" comes to mind. It's all mysterious and creepy and even a bit amusing in some ways if the right frame of mind is engaged. It sure seems to work for an awful lot of people, though - seeing the ills of the world as being the product of shadowy ghouls and bad guys. That is one choice and I respect it entirely. Be afraid works for both parties ultimately.

So what of those who sense a new beginning rather than a tragic end? How about seeing the destruction of our old flawed ways as a beautiful thing? Is that even possible? No one wants to have their comfort zone messed with, but it is here and not going away, so again the question becomes "what are you going to do about it?". This is where the sense of being split in 2 has emerged - Moving in Stereo if you will, because movement is certainly called for and a division in 2 distinct directions is quite obviously needed. Finding the balance will be the key of course, as always.

One path is the remnant of the old - one of "taking care of business" and doing the best to maintain the responsibilities to those who's space I share. Yes, I will help my kid fret over college options and whether or not she can have a Facebook account, even though I see these things as fading from our reality with great speed. Pets need to be fed, friendships maintained, and things that need tending to will continue to be tended. But in the meantime, the other path is all about preparing for the new reality that is being created before my eyes. This path is all about becoming the thing that is ready to make a transition in a willful and deliberate manner rather than being dragged along or pushed. This whole trip has been about shaking loose the baggage, and there is work to be done yet.

When I look back at the past winter, I see a resting state that has provided a clear image of what is to be anticipated, and gave lessons about how all things that pass before our senses have within them the power to teach. In this current time, it seems more intense than ever. I can't get away with anything these days. The most obvious reminder I have of the work to be done is found in a mirror. I see the weight on my body as ballast, or an anchor to keep me stuck in place. I see the obsession to "collect" guitars and musical gear as another form of "piling on" of things that keep the density up and the distraction heavy. It is so clear, yet these things remain unresolved. The mental exercise has hopefully been completed, now we'll see about practical application and results (please).

Of all the things I long for in the physical realm as I stretch and move again after the slumber, I want to learn to move my body. Being somewhat of an athlete as a young man, the effects of being sedentary for so long are currently showing how far one can go to the other end of the spectrum. I am aging, creaky, tight as hell from not stretching and need to shed a significant amount of weight. This will be aided by further exploration of how to actually eat and by declaring the space between the ears "Closed for the Season" and working out body rather than mind. In the meantime, if anyone knows of a good Tai Chi workout video or similar low-intensity path to help re-awaken a sleeping bear, please let me know.

Above all, the lesson learned from the time in the cave was this - you get what you give out, and low vibrations are going to attract the same without fail. With any luck and willing participation from those on this path with me, I hope to explore the deepest depths of the other end of that spectrum. And really, as cliche as this one is, I have to begin by learning to love the one called "Z", because without that in place, I'm not going to be of much help to anyone else. It is time to fully emerge as a true Love Person, because THAT is where we are heading.

Believe it.

Love to All

Doin' Time

Love is a lie.


Passion, merely a snare.


This place is a prison.


Digging a tunnel with a spoon is a long process.


Z

Ruining the Gauntlet

Well, it certainly is heating up "out there", no?

It seems that wherever one might cast their gaze, stories of corruption, danger, potential ills, evil, and every other form of hazard is present and accounted for with the promise of more on the horizon and no end in sight. Has it always been thus, and we are simply finding more and better ways to discover and share our collective fears and heinous actions, or is there indeed a great darkness that has descended upon us and is poising itself to render us completely into the void?

If one subscribes to the notion that these are, indeed, "special" times - what is to be the course of action to weather the storm or beat back whatever it is that is most certainly soon to visit your own doorstep? Despair is one option I suppose, and many seem to be adopting that attitude, but is it sustainable? How about turning the fear over to its other face - anger - and using your new found rage to power you to victory over that which is surely ready to pounce any minute now? Of course, you have to first identify the enemy before forming a plan and executing your attack, and there is no shortage of suggested targets for your vengeance to be had depending on who you believe to be telling the "truth" to you, meaning that most everyone else is full of shit and trying to deceive you with a false agenda once you have honed in on that one and only vessel of all that is right and true. You can hop over to FOX television and select from a number of candidates like Democrats, Mexicans, liberals, Muslims (especially Iranians as they are clearly the worst of the lot) or gays (you know the REAL reason hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, right?). A visit to your local church will likely provide some "other" to hate on, and even get you bonus points from the "Big Guy" depending on who you are condemning with the backing of the True Word of God as insurance. As always, there are endless choices to be made regarding any particular worldview, but as long as you select the right one then it becomes easy to identify all the problems and their causes because then you get to know what is apart and separate from that shiny new bit of wisdom that you earned by reading just the right article or book, or had delivered to you by someone who is in a better position to know (maybe they have a degree or are on the TV - sure signs of higher knowledge to be sure!).

There is always denial, which can be had quite readily as long as you find yourself safe and comfy in one of the pockets of civilization that is immune to such predation(let me know where that is, wouldja?), or have enough in the way of distraction to occupy yourself while you wait for fate to get around to paying a visit. How about those distraction, anyway? I once had a discussion about how tenuous our financial situation is, and was told in no uncertain terms that as long as you could still go out and buy a Hamer (boutique American brand) guitar, that was PROOF that all was well in the world and that there was absolutely nothing wrong out there in the world of finance. Well, I can't argue with logic like that, can I?

In discussing observed trends and potential outcomes, I'm sure that many of us have encountered those who give off a puzzled look and suggest getting back on your meds or even go so far as to become hostile to any notion that all is not hunky-dory, which brings me around to the point I wish to explore today.

As you sit here right now in this moment, consider what is "out there" causing discomfort or uncertainty, and where this problem resides. Is it "out there" or is it much closer? If you are currently reading this from a village in Afghanistan, it may, indeed, be circling overhead and you have a real problem on your hands, but also options to take action to push back against that which threatens you directly. The cards are stacked, certainly, but at least you know the face of that which seeks to destroy you. Those of us who sit back and only read or hear about all the stuff coming at us have a more difficult challenge, however, until whatever it is that eventually actually shows up does so.

I watched a politician from the state of Texas today named Louie Gomert go on a verbal rampage about being challenged to provide proof of the bullshit he was spouting to his fellow criminals, and could hardly believe what I was seeing. This man was all worked up about something that came to light in a manner that would almost make it laughable if it were not for the fact that he is one of the individuals tasked with making decisions that affect all Americans and thus by extension the rest of the world. This clown was going on about a threat to all of us that came in the form of babies born on American soil to tourists that would then have the ability to easily enter this country and perpetrate acts of terror - when they grow up and had been fully trained by the evil genius terrorists that had hatched this plan. How did this evil plot come to light? Well, it seems that someone was on a plane sitting next to someone who was proud to announce that their son was a terrorist and was planning to do this very thing! Why do we need to spend millions of dollars on intel and spying, when all we have to do is engage in some banter with a person who looks like they might be part of the Axis of Evil and get then to spill the beans? Hell, I would be surprised if the lady didn't whip out pics of her son and proclaim how proud she was that she had raised such a fine young man to be martyred some day, after raising that little US Citizen terror bundle and setting him loose of course.

The main theme in all of this, and for some time now, is FEAR. Be afraid. No, be REALLY afraid. Actually, be so terrified that you are ready to give your protectors any and all means to ensure your sorry ass never has to come face to face with the threat that is everywhere seen and unseen.
You can't defend yourself from this worldwide scourge, so leave it to the pros to take care of it all for you. They really don't need much, just all of your freedoms, your privacy, your children for the military, your money, and your blind acceptance and obedience. It helps if you get on board the paranoia train and get all fired up about that threat that is certainly just right around the bend.

Do you want to be in a state of constant fear, sure that it is only a matter of months/days/hours before evil makes its grand and final push to vanquish all that is good and right and true once and for all? Does it serve any real purpose to constantly roll around in the myriad tales of DOOOOOM that are available at the click of a mouse or over the airwaves? Ask yourself who (or what) benefits from keeping those who fancy themselves "awake" or "informed" or otherwise in possession of info that others, for whatever reason, don't seem able to assimilate or even see, in a constant edgy mindset scratching for the latest bit of info that proves beyond a shadow that the end is near and we are all completely hosed.

At a favorite blog site that I read, there is an individual who has made it his job to post endless links to his own blog or to stories shouting about the horrors awaiting us. Very little of it is his own work even, but it is seemingly very important to pass on every scrap of gloom that can be found, and this person even claims to be under constant attack for his noble efforts. One might wonder, if it is such a burden, why this must continue day in and day out. I have my ideas, but I will not speculate here. I just know that it serves no purpose other than to perpetuate the notion that it is a pointless thing to struggle and that the end is certainly near. What a miserable task that must be to maintain such a level of fear, much less convince yourself you are somehow helping others by pointing out all the possible ways that we may come to a bad end.

So, what is the alternative to fear? Accepting that all things pass on and change is constant, one begins to see that there is an ending in store for all of us. How we spend our time and energy on the way to that point is where we have some measure of control, and I would encourage you all to sit back and take inventory of all the blessings and positive things that are offered you and surrounding you. I would also like to suggest considering the cost of dwelling long in the place that is fear and despair, and how that may even affect where you find yourself should some really bad shit decide to visit you someday. I hate to say it, but you are DOOOOOOOOMED. So, what are you gonna do about it? Remember, too, you are not alone in this fate. Many, many have gone before you and met their certain end. And there is more to this story than meets the eyes, and indeed the rest of those senses that try and convince you that you can suss all that is in play here, when in fact you cannot. Be vigilant about what you allow to enter your mind, and consider why it may try and take up residence there. Be not afraid. You are either with yourself, or against self. Make the right choice and let's see where we go from here.

Love to ALL,

Z

There's No Other Me

Whoa, 5 months like that, huh?

I don't think I'm wasting my time - we'll see.

Yeah, the word thing. You see, it's like this; it has been shown to me in no small or insignificant way that any attempt to substitute for the real thing will fall short, so it's all a compromise, all the time, unless it's totally real, and who wants that coming at them? I have thankfully, by grace and endless pleading, rediscovered the stream, and my place in relation to its flow, and there is no finer gift that I have received here. I have been given back my voice and my soundboard, and I can't begin to express my gratitude in any way other than to surrender to it fully. It has rendered words completely inadequate, however, so I am far less inclined to use them these days. Other methods of expression become predominant, and are less available for sharing or distribution for better or worse. depending on whether there are expectations or not.

What has become real is the observing of things flowing naturally, occurring as they will (oh, and they will to be sure) trying not to take it too personally, and as J-Roc would say, striving to "Feel the realness, feel the touch of the real". Mostly it has become all about getting out the way, and keeping quiet while I'm at it, 'aight? And trying to avoid the bull-ish, gnome sane?

Thanks J-Roc, I feel ya on that one, Dog. (a shout-out to the Dog Poet, too, while I'm at it - I know you're down with the program, yo, and I'm eternally in your debt).

Chopped down some big-ass trees, and the view improves. Now looking to do something about the weeds and creepy-crawly things in the underbrush, but help is on the way I think and there are some new protocols and such to keep the new order orderly. Some new grooves to wear into and a lifestyle to renegotiate, so work continues. Went out on a few limbs, and have yet to crash violently to the ground, but hey, it's only noon so I should count my blessings.

ALWAYS count your blessings. If you can't find one to count you aren't trying very hard or you don't know how to count, but that's cool too.

Yeah, my first and deepest love has returned to me, and the reunion has been sweet. Thank you for that, you have no idea........

See, there goes that word thing again. I'm gonna do as Joe Perry's Project says, and "Let the Music Do The Talking". So, this is a song that was recorded by my absolute favorite guitarist, and sung by a young woman who is so obviously channeling pure (wordfail) it is almost too much sometimes. This one caught me off guard and tossed my all the way there.

I don't want to sound like a pimp or anything, but JB's latest release is stellar. A few geezers on guitar and drums and keys, and some highly inspired performances by young people who have a depth of character and emotion that is sooo beyond what would be expected for their demographic, that you wonder what you are witnessing (including young WOMEN I might add, just because I am such a big fan of women who rock and let it all hang out and hey, just in general. I'm surrounded by them so why fight it?). Oh ,and words - words arranged thusly, speaking my heart to a perfect soundtrack.

Please see a fine example of state-of-the-art vibrational exuberance at extreme volume here and tell me if it rings any bells or somethin';

Hopefully those reading here know what it is like to become a conduit and just be taken and go there.

Tunage



There's No Other Me (Jason Robello/Joss Stone)
(yeah, girlfriend actually writes what she sings)


Open up my eyes I see a quarter of a mile,
Don't want to go but when I get there I'll smile
Never wanted to be the perfect child
So come experience a little rough - a little mild

Open up my mind and the Love gets louder
Hear my soulful notion a mind is overflowing
The musician of knowing the Oracle is floating away
What can I say

This is how I am
Who I'll be
So understand there's no other me
Go take your stand you'll start to see
There's no other me

Open up my life you fall in so sweetly
Tried to cut the trip and it doubled in size (Oh no!)
If I forget it flips and confuses my mind
So I'll stay just a couple licks longer

Here comes the heat now release now
Stuck tight sounds 'bout to rip now
Don't stop to sweat breathe or eat now
Can't let the cycle defeat this groove
Cant think won't think I'm FEELING
It's your fault your notes got me reeling

Ooh

Man, I've never seen Jeff Beck intimidated. He almost can't deal with that kind of an open line being pointed at him! I'm reduced to rubble just listening to the CD at home. Music is the thing that showed me first, then removed any doubt I might have had, about the presence of a higher Source. Especially now that the full gift of integration has returned, it has saved me from the despair of doubt once again. Where words fail, the vibration tells everything, and you just can't get that across properly even with DSL, baby. Feel the realness, yo.



Hey, I think I'll stay a couple licks longer, too.

Peace.


Z

Driven to Tears

“How can you say you’re not responsible?’

There is no Christmas celebration here in the Z household this year. No cause for joy, beyond the love that sits in our hearts, trying to spread out and cover the reality that is right outside the door.

How can one sit in comfort, safe from the violent predation that is seemingly creeping into every corner of our planet, and ignore the fact that – even if you didn’t ask for it or support it – innocent people are being killed to “defend the American way of life”?

I said innocent, and there is no arguing that fact, no matter how you try and twist it to arrive at justification.

“What does it have to do with me?”

I can’t say what has changed, what has shifted internally, but the mask has been ripped off and I find myself sitting here alternating between despondency and rage over what is being perpetrated in my name, supported by my labor via taxation, and held up as a right and just action to defend us from the evil terrorists out there that hate us for our freedoms. I almost just threw up typing that piece of propaganda.

Our president has won the Nobel Peace Prize, as he sends more and more people to their death. He makes a speech that his supporters hail as some kind of Divine work, and tries to tell us why it is all good, perfectly fine, and entirely necessary. How is it that we can drop bombs on Somalia and launch cruise missiles into Yemen, and everyone seems cool with it? How does the rest of the world stand by and not stop this undeclared warfare? Who are these people around me that celebrate these actions and cheer on the continued march of our boots across the planet, now heating up in Africa big-time? I know that there are supposedly some “radical Islamic” types there – or is it because there is something else there that we maybe covet?

“What is my reaction, what should it be?
Confronted by this latest atrocity”

I read a report by Siebel Edmonds yesterday that linked to some commentary in the mainstream media about our intention to expand drone attacks into a large (850,000)Pakistani city in an effort to take out some Taliban or “Al Qaeda” leaders or fighters (or some such horseshit). The report also detailed the fact that the 60 previous drone engagements resulted in the of killing 687 civilians while claiming only 14 “bad guys”, but for some reason this doesn’t seem to be a big deal to a large portion of our leadership, and probably went unnoticed by the vast majority of my countrymen.

I don’t know about the “rules of war” or how much “honor” is actually involved when one group takes up arms and chooses to engage in the destruction of another country/society/culture, but I cannot imagine a more chickenshit way to go about waging war. My understanding of how this works is that it usually involves some guy sitting in a room in the American west somewhere, joystick in hand (probably listening to his iPod), watching a video feed from across the world showing the terrain his “Predator” is covering. At some point he gets the “go ahead”, pushes a button, and unleashes a Hellfire missile or 2 on his intended target. No risk to his physical being, no need for fear to enter into his mind. Hell, it’s just like playing a video game with the added bonus of getting a paycheck and the honor of bragging about the “Haji” he killed today.

“Hide my face in my hands, shame wells in my throat
My comfortable existence is reduced to a shallow meaningless party”

I have something to tell you. By any definition (and especially in the case of Pakistan) WE are the terrorists. Check out this definition and see if you can see who might fit the description when we tell the Pakistani government “deal with the problem or we will” after slaughtering several hundred civilians, women and children included:

Terrorism:

The use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, esp. for political purposes.

“Seems that when some innocent die
All we can offer them is a page in some magazine
Too many cameras and not enough food
'Cos this is what we've seen”

So then, what can be done about this? How about electing some leaders that will bring our troops home and stop the Empire building? Maybe work within the political system and change it from the bottom up? Or take to the streets in protest, demanding that these horrors be stopped and engagement with the world be done not with weapons and force, but with words and assistance where it is needed?

“Protest is futile, nothing seems to get through
What's to become of our world, who knows what to do”

I didn’t vote in the last elections. I will never vote again, and hope to find myself in a different locale sooner rather than later – hopefully on another continent, but where to go? I can’t keep pretending that I’m not partly to blame for all the things done by our “leadership”. I sit in a huge house with a fridge full of food, safe and secure from violence and bloodshed, and it feels wrong on so many levels. I don’t know why I was born here. Could I have just as easily been a child in one of the regions of the world currently being occupied or destroyed to “protect the American way of life”? How can this way of life be defended (or enjoyed) if it is only able to be perpetuated by violence and force? From the moment the white man landed here, we have been killing and stealing our way into the position we have, and it continues on a global scale to this very moment. We didn’t earn any of it. The notion of a noble American populace working harder and being smarter than the rest of the world to achieve what we have is a lie. In the time it took me to write this, I can guarantee that an innocent has been killed, maimed, made homeless or parentless, or thrown into a torture chamber just so I can live as I do. That’s something that negates any Holiday cheer that might have attempted to visit me this season. I can’t stop the tears, and have no desire to.

Stripped, Whipped, and Ready To Be Clipped

Let me just start out by saying one thing here. The world we appear to be inhabiting is, by all accounts, totally fucked from one end to the other and from top to bottom. 6+ billion fragmented little entities all scurrying around hiding from debt collectors, death squads, their own transgressions and lies, the resulting fallout from other's lies, their inner self and each other. Prodded by some unknown and invisible stick, we feel a pressure building and this is coming out in all kinds of different ways. Wars are waged based on lies. Laws are passed in a vain attempt to keep the lid on the little guys, so that when something pops up that might create the momentum for change it gets stamped out and minimized. I'll bet lots and lots of drugs and alcohol are being consumed and many other things that I don't care to mention or even think about. And fear shows up with its good buddy anger in tow, looking for an opportunity to latch on and create a mess somewhere.

There is a void that needs filling. For a long time it seemed like things were pretty easy and straightforward. You do your work thing, socialize a bit, maybe create some art or just zone out and groove on someone else's creation. Then things got tricky. The ride got bumpy, and things got jarred and broken along the way. Eventually, questions creep in, like "What the fuck are we doing here?" and "How the hell do I get out of this mess?".

It is a mess. A big, stinky, expanding mess that threatens to engulf the whole world and cast us into any number of darker, more threatening conditions. Who is going to pull clean-up duty on this one? How can we recover as a species if we don't all take a deep breath and say "Do over!"? Is there really someone in charge that knows the outcome of all this and is doing these things for our own good? Are lessons being given so we have an opportunity to do better next time or down the road? I don't know. I just don't know.

I used to sit in AA meetings years ago and listen to people tell their stories. Time after time I would hear someone recall all the horrors that visited them and their loved ones (or even strangers), and I would always say to myself "Man, I'm sure glad none of that shit ever happened to me!". Well, I guess things can happen that profoundly impact our lives and the lives of the ones around us without flashing lights or high drama. Bad shit has visited me in a very stealthy but persistent manner, and now I find myself at wit's end and wishing that I could just get off this rock. I hate to admit it, but since this is my blog and is essentially for my own consumption, I get to say exactly what I feel - I feel like death would be a blessing right now. Each time I feel that crushing pain in my chest or my arm goes numb, a small part of me hopes that this will be the moment of my demise. Sorry if anyone who cares about me sees this, but I would not be fighting for my life if the Reaper came calling. If that makes me selfish and a pussy for not taking this shit and forcing a smile on my face so I can "carry on", too bad.

I know that many people have it far tougher than I do. It seems silly to sit in my warm, spacious home with my toys and food on the shelf, bitching about how much my life sucks right now, but the thing that sits on my shoulders and convinces me that it is all a scam and a bad illusion is very persistent and quite cunning. Fear, uncertainty and anger are the order of my days, and it seems just as silly to take stock of the situation and say "It's all good". The things I once viewed as important parts of my existence have all been shown to be hollow and superficial. I once defined myself as a musician, but that is a lie. I thought I had a good head on my shoulders, but it has turned against me. It once appeared that I had many friends and was a valued part of a social structure, but no more. I am on my own with this one. Even my only remaining blood relative, my own brother, who lives just a few miles away, is a stranger.

And then there is pain. Real, constant, physical pain. I can usually manage most of the other things that gnaw at me from above my shoulders, but what to do about constant pain? I suppose prescription drugs are a way of mitigating it, but that has a set of challenges associated with it, too. I have found comfort in the use of marijuana, but that isn't something that I can do legally here in Minnesota (thanks, T-Paw - you fucking asshole) and it leads to other problems. It really wears on a person. I'm soooo ready to be beyond all this, but cannot bring myself to end my life in a dramatic way, so it seems I am doing it slowly? I don't know. This all seems too dramatic and self-serving even typing this and sending it out to the world, where someone might actually read it, but I don't care. The world can kiss my ass.

So I endure. I woke up again this morning. O.K., I didn't wake up as much as I just stopped tossing and turning in bed with visions of acts of rage and words of anger rolling around in my brain. Will this ever get better? Are these the "good old days" and even harsher tests are forthcoming? Is it really the job of the world to strip away all the things that we thought were important so we are forced to see the only thing that really is?

Even as I type this and roll around in all this self-pity, that small, glowing thing with the silly grin on its face is there, mocking me from the center of my body. It stays there, silent, but knowing something that can't be shared yet. I know that the raging, pitiful creature that I see in the mirror is not who I really am. I have been given a taste of what deep, enduring love looks like, and it is not here right now. It came and went like some kind of meteor streaking across the sky, making me gasp in awe, then burning up in an instant of intense light and heat, leaving me longing for its return.

Alright, enough of this shit. I just want to say one thing to the world as I see it currently. You can batter me, drag me around behind your pickup, deny me the things I need (or think I need), hold up examples of things to taunt me, or even twist my physical being into knots so I'm rendered totally lame. You will not extinguish my inner flame. Z is beyond your reach and doesn't buy into this game. If nothing else comes from this experience here, know that that thing that is the true part, the invincible part, carries on to the next step, and I will protect and care for it no matter what is thrown my way.

I just wish it didn't have to hurt so fucking bad.