Sunday, October 23, 2016

Dearest Child

It is with a mixture of sadness and elation that I sit and put these thoughts to words; no different than most experiences here on this plane if we are honest, but this instance brings an opportunity to convey my intent going forward in our interaction.

I continue to marvel at your accomplishments and drive. Where this motivation arises from, I am not certain, but it appears to serve you well as you expand your networks and experience new challenges and victories. The failures are important too of course. The most important in my opinion. As steel is hardened and tempered by the fire, so shall we all be in our own way. I will continue to act as your ally in all ways possible; a sounding board, advice-giver when asked, driver, etc..This will not change. I am here for you.

Where you may find a difference in our future interaction is in my response to your efforts to employ tactics of division against me. Our discussion surrounding the recent breach of confidentiality brought some measure of healing but introduced a far more challenging aspect to our dialog; the fact that the poison of social engineering via "social networking" and other such avenues of manipulation has infected you to the point you seem comfortable reaching for the tools provided you in this manner, and using them to shut down dialog and create separation.

I realize you are at University, and that these places have long ceased to be true institutions of learning, at least the learning of things of true import. Watching students demand protection from ideas that differ from their own in the name of "safety" shows in no uncertain terms that true learning (wisdom) shall not be forthcoming in this arena. You will emerge from this process with credentials and such, but much of what you take forward will have to be un-learned in my opinion.

The good news is that this is a normal arc, and that by clinging to the notion that you are "learning" truths it will make the revelation of what "truth" actually encompasses, and how it may be arrived at that much more powerful. Go forth and proclaim your newfound wisdom, revel in being surrounded by those only too willing to reinforce the notion that you are correct, seek out and spend countless hours on websites or apps that do nothing more than reinforce your worldview - one that has been simply handed to you without the burden of measuring for yourself whether there is anything of "truth" there. I get it. You are young and this is what youth brings. I fully honor your process, even though the manipulation and ill-intent is plain to see to my eyes. I see it clearly and you are not alone in this voyage by any means.

Of course, it may be easy to view this missive as some sort of pious preaching from an old man simply out of touch with "how things are". What 19 year old wouldn't assume their parents are just stuck in old ways and incapable of change? "They just cant understand" "Things are different now". It is simply the norm. My job as parent has obviously changed over time. I no longer protect you from danger or nurture you and guide you through your processes directly. You are an adult now, away from our shared home and finding the realities of being fully responsible for your own path. I can no longer demonstrate directly to you what unconditional Love between a couple looks like or show you in tangible ways what it is to be vulnerable, to fail and rise up from failure only to stumble yet again. I can't show you what sort of pains a human can endure and still continue on. This chapter has closed. You will need to be more observant of these actions in our limited engagements if you wish to continue to value my "teachings", because as has always been the case, none of my experience will be forced upon you as "truth". I ask that you honor me by doing the same when we speak or share our experiences. I hope this message will be included in the things you use to truly measure me as a father going forth.

It is my opinion, based on direct observation, that much of what you consume is designed to not only divide us from one another (in the broadest sense as a species, not just you and I) but is also intended to divide you against your truest expression or "higher self". The desire to seek out things that resonate is a natural one, and extremely important to our growth in my opinion. The danger here lies in clinging too tightly to anything discovered, thus preventing further growth from occurring, and leaving one fighting vigorously against ideas, opinions, or even hard evidence that may counter the previous narrative. The larger world has few "safe spaces", though we attempt to create them by only seeking things that reinforce our beliefs. Some even will resort to violence against those who simply have a differing opinion, and justify it by calling the suppression of differing views "justice". It is folly, but as I said, part of the process.

Without open and fearless dialog we stagnate and spin around in circles, trapped in cages of our own creation. Fear itself is, in my opinion, the greatest obstacle to growth and evolution. It still attempts to sidetrack me daily, but by Grace I have been given tools to see it as no longer serving my highest expression and am usually able to sooth it away. This is the main function of so much that I see put forth on social media these days. Reinforcing the fear of "other", the absolute de-humanization of individuals based on arbitrary aspects of being (yes, this absolutely goes both ways, and to suggest some people are incapable of suffering from these processes is egregious and NO DIFFERENT from what so many claim to struggle against). Hear me when I say this; I am NOT a "white male"!

I honor your journey, my beloved. Nothing will keep me from being at your side or from having my arms wide open welcoming our embrace. My Love for you and respect for your path has no boundary. That said, I will not allow you to reach for cheap platitudes or catch phrases designed to invalidate or shut down an exchange and use them against me. Should you see this as cause for further separation, or to justify judging me as "wrong" or even "oppressive" (due no doubt to my skin color and gender as you have been instructed - all arbitrary and false points of division as far as I am concerned) I will accept this also, knowing that it is a part of the journey that you need to take. None of this shall impact me to a depth that will create true separation, for that is simply (in my opinion of course) impossible. You cannot invalidate me with mere words, and to attempt to do so is quite intolerant and may even cause one to take offense, should that have a dividend in some way. It is quite amazing to see offense being treated almost like a commodity these days. Please ponder the notion that offense can ONLY be taken, never given. Then further ponder what potential outcomes derive from trying to keep anyone from ever being subject to "offensive" things. Please.

Go forth and do as you will, knowing that All is well, not much is as it seems first glance, and that there are forces at work designed to take you on a crazy ride of discovery that hopefully leaves you residing far above the denser parts, and thus enjoying the freedom of no longer needing to entertain the idea of being "right" above all. "I don't know" is usually the best response and truest expression one can give when pressed. Arrogance is the opposite of that. I hope we all find our balance along this spectrum. I look forward to continuing to watch you expand and only hope I am blessed with same as long as I continue to exist.

I Love and honor you my beloved child. This is an absolute TRUTH.

Friday, December 11, 2015

The Authentic Life

Artwork by CJ

Arriving here on this plane, one is immediately influenced by external "stuff" to the extent I have to wonder if it is even remotely possible to live an authentic life here on Earth. What is meant by "authentic" in this instance? I suppose it means the ability to move about and avoid the influences of the world around you when making choices about your own path. "Avoid the influences" in this case meaning being truly able to discern what lies before you without any undue influence from any entity that may seek to misdirect for whatever reason. Notice I did not say person or any such.

It really is no wonder that so many of us claim to be seeking "truth" as we pass through this experience. This, I think, is due to the fact that so much of what we experience is deception or is simply mis-interpreted by our own internal sensors due to an internal need to arrive at a predetermined outcome. Add in the complications brought forth by the ego (which has it's own agenda as far as I am concerned) and it really begs the question - what is real? What is truth? Do we stand ANY chance at all of hacking our way through this barrage of inputs to arrive at anything that is close to genuine?

I don't know why it should be thus, unless this is all a test of some sort. When I see the obvious efforts to steer opinion and emotion, the next question becomes "who is steering and to what end?". Some of it is obvious, while other examples are far less so. "4 out of 5 Doctors recommend" is obvious, but so many of the efforts to steer us come in far subtler forms, and it is often impossible to tell if there is an agenda or not, or if there is any truth at hand. Makes it tough to navigate this place.

Did the ancients have to put up with ceaseless propaganda? What was the extent of the ability of one person to influence the next in a manner that was not overt or deceptive 2,000 years ago? I know that we like to see ourselves as being on a trajectory of upward development, but also fear that we are far more susceptible to being completely left in the dark when it comes to REALLY knowing what is going on around us. I don't know if we are improving. Appearances tell me otherwise.

I am grateful for many things in my life, but one thing that I have only recently come to see as a blessing is the fact that my mother (who raised me and my brother alone without a partner) had little time to instill in us anything that could resemble dogma. My brother and I were "free range" kids, and were left to our own devices to find out what this whole deal was all about. I did learn one invaluable lesson from her, however, and that was that no matter what happens, making sure those around you knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were loved is job #1. Thanks you, Momma, for sparing us the yoke of an imposed worldview or value system.

Modern man has at his disposal the means of taking in or disseminating thoughts, discoveries, events or outright lies and deceit in a fraction of a second - world-wide. We see ourselves as having been gifted the ability to seek out and claim truths and debunk myths in a few keystrokes, yet we appear to be more divided and at odds with each other than ever before. This, too, could be all an illusion, but from where I sit the growing divide seems quite real. Take any stance and adopt any concept as "fact", and then feel free to find another set of "facts" that completely contradict the previous view. You will not have to look that hard or for very long. I spent a couple hours yesterday watching videos that claimed to prove that the earth was actually flat, and that we have been lied to all along about the very shape of the Earth we live upon. I will say that some of the efforts were well done, but I did not emerge with a radical new view on the matter.

It was fun watching the protest lodged by my internal troublemaker as I viewed this material. It was palpable how hard the ego fought against such a foolish, insane notion.
"Everyone knows the earth is round!!!" was the cry, and yet I continued watching for some time. Hey, I always thought we lived on a sphere, but if I am honest with myself, I have no proof that this is true, so the proper mindset as far as I am concerned is to be open to being proved wrong. Clinging to beliefs or closely-held attitudes about life and how it should be lived is largely what has gotten us to the point where it looks more and more like this whole thing is some sort of absurd joke at times. Why is it so hard to admit that we may have been wrong about something? That we didn't really learn anything for ourselves, but rather someone handed us our opinions and since they fit so well with other preconceptions they were taken as truths? It appears the risk of being seen as outside the norm is enough to shut down the internal part that screams out for a possible alternative truth. Man, this ego guy is really a piece of work!

Taken as an exercise in growth and development of a soul, this thing we call Life makes the most sense as an experience that will take us on a constant trip of ups and downs, so that we may become able to determine what is truly important and act accordingly. Where it gets tricky is having to realize that choices made by one individual on their own path can greatly influence the inputs available to make choices by others. What I mean by this is that we do not exist in a vacuum as we go along, so our individual experience is inextricably linked to all of the rest of the humans we are going through this with, sometimes on subtle levels, at others the result is dramatic or fatal.

We often attempt to use history to model the potential futures we may face, but that becomes problematic too for many reasons. What is history but recorded interpretations of past events, many times with no ability to further test the results? We can observe trends and recurring happenings and then assign these outcomes as merely the result of Human Nature, but there is danger there also. "Humans have always been at war with each other; it is simply our nature" seems accepted. I cannot accept that, however. These days I see a concerted effort to present the potential future we have as nothing more that a continued downward spiral, ending in catastrophe, all due to the machinations of (insert perp of your choice here), but maybe that is because of the fact that so many things we have been led to believe were true are being shown to be otherwise. Kinda messes with a person's mind if they are not prepared to bend with the winds and be proven wrong.

How much of what we do here is shaped by external influence, even without our being aware of it? I am currently struggling to understand a behavior that my younger child is exhibiting, and have to wonder if this is something that is shaped solely by her current surroundings or not. This beautiful child has decided that she is not a she, but is actually a he. This has manifested in many ways, including binding her breasts and talking about the day when she can have them removed from her body. She also engages in a form of self-mutilation (cutting) as a means of, so I am told, dealing with stress. I am at a loss to understand either of these happenings from any angle, but am being asked to accept and honor the choices made. More and more in my society I see pressure to "accept" any and all behavior and attitude, and more importantly, to understand it and honor it. I simply cannot. I am incapable of "understanding" this. Where do these behaviors come from? Are they spontaneous or learned? I have little clue in this matter. All I can do is continue to love this child endlessly and try and be aware enough of what is going so if need be, I can intervene should things get further out of hand.

So many things have transpired since I last shared my thoughts that in some ways my whole worldview has changed. What is happening in the mainstream is absolutely toxic to my senses - I no longer see any of it as real. It is such a farce that I am even beginning to sense that we are being driven mad on a grand scale so as to prepare us for something quite different in the future. My only question is whether the change is organic and authentic due to a need to simply evolve (please?) or is it more a result of a collective inability to see beyond the deceptions so we can make the right choices as individuals and by extension, a species. I really do not know what is real anymore, and in some ways have decided to simply reject any and all external input so as to avoid further madness. Maybe that is the point. Maybe we come here to get fully enmeshed in this whole life experience thing, only to have everything we adopt be torn down so we are forced to retreat to a much simpler, mundane position. "I AM" is the starting and now ending point. Anything beyond that is simply speculation.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Accelerating, Shifting, and Finding a Proper Idle

...........please stand by as we attempt to establish smoother runnings........

Cough, sputter.

Grab a handfull, then "VROOOOM!!" - bounce it hard off the limiter yet again. Really shouldn't do that too many more times.........

 Nothing snapped, no smoke or new rattles, so back to the fine adjustment of those most fiddly of bits in hopes of someday becoming, well, reliable is a start, and then dare I dream of upgrades and higher-performance in my future with this machine?

 What about with that one over there?

Dunno. Can't say, so I'll just focus on this very next task - the only task there ever is, really. The very most important one it always IS.

There it is again, in the midst of a salad I made. Funny how these things work, innit? Inside job again as usual with the derail and the bad connections that lead to the meltdowns. Sneaky Devil(s).........

I think this word break has been helpful. Thanks for sharing the minute or so it might take one to read and ponder these words, should any arrive and do so (wink). Much Love to All and y'all! 

A guitar beckons in this instant, so another machine to interface with becomes the perfect expression of THIS IS. It's a beauty, much astounding beauty everywhere I turn. Thank you for this. I am truly humbled by these gifts I am continually showered with. My intention is to honor all of them properly.

Nothing but gratitude for all of it is the best I can do. That, and trying to push the envelope just a bit further in every breath and striving for the smoothest of idles.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Cycles, loss, and the true meaning of "Change"

Of the three items listed, the first is the most easily understood I think. In a literal sense, we observe regular patterns of shifts that eventually return and begin again, and call it a "cycle". I can look out my window today and know what stage we are currently in with regards to the seasonal changes that happen about the same time every year - the leaves are changing and falling, the air has dried out, and my garden will soon be completely put to rest as a result of the morning frosts that have begun to lend that prismatic sparkle to everything. The Sun sits lower on the horizon and Sol's visits are shorter and shorter every day, until that time when we pass the equinox and it comes back around again. On a larger scale, we can observe the movement of heavenly bodies in their ancient dance across the Galaxy, and reliably predict further movements if we so desire. I very recently had the experience of getting a reading from one who practices Astrology, and I must say it was a very eye-opening happening. This science seems based on observations over a great deal of time and I am now convinced of its merit. Humans have been gifted with a quality that makes the recognition of patterns and cycles a priority for our brains to take note of, likely to aid our ancestors in mundane tasks like survival,  but now we see that such observations over long periods of time have allowed us to assign certain predictable qualities to aspects of our lives based on the observed cycles and how they impact us. This may also be a curse, as processing events that appear outside of our established known patterns ("norms") can be difficult for some, especially those who have very rigid minds or are convinced in some way that they have some sort of "truth" they carry that cannot be challenged for various reasons.

Some say that economic activity has inherent cycles. Some go even further and claim that there is actually a "science" related to economic study and activity. I do not believe this, as any sort of "economy", at least as I understand it, is a wholly fabricated thing. Surely one could say that a basic "supply and demand" model can be shown in nature, when observing, for example, the way basic availability of foods and territory resolves with animal population fluctuations or migration, but the bit missing here is that the supply side is a random variable rather than an input that is determined with the express purpose of manipulating the end result. Of course, you could always place Creation in the Board of Directors role and justify that way, but generally speaking I see any notion of modern economies being organic and having "natural" cycles as pure fiction. What we see before us in our current times is simply a game being played by humans who have learned over the centuries that methods of control exist beyond outright force or violence, and new and improved variations of this game have been rapidly expanding leading us to a point where our "economies" are a complete fiction.
This is NOT a natural happening; in fact, because it is against natural laws, it shall be the cause of further suffering for those thus engaged (all of us basically) and could even lead to our near total extinction.

Loss is something that appears slightly more difficult to process in any fashion other than a literal one. Yes, I lost my iPod. It is no longer available to me. However, if it was stolen or carelessly left somewhere and is currently being enjoyed by another, can we say that the thing itself is lost? When the local football team gets defeated on the field of play, we can say that "we lost", but the residents of the opponents team celebrate a victory as a result. It then  becomes a matter of perspective I suppose. The loss of species on the planet for various reasons is more difficult to fathom, as there is a definite finality to such a happening. This is too often beyond the realm of natural processes, and is a true tragedy that does not bode well for our current trajectory. We can see that natural extinctions have always happened, and that new beings have come along in their wake to create a different cast of characters for our Earthly experiences, but what we are creating with our insatiable plunder of our planet's gifts and treasures is creating what I consider the ultimate definition of loss. In this sense, it is tragic and cause for great personal grief.

To use the economic model again, I use my aunt as an example first. She has an amount of her personal wealth tied up in stocks. On any given day, she can experience a "loss" to her portfolio, but as she never really actually takes gains and converts them into something other than numbers on a screen, what does she lose when the numbers change to the negative? As another example, we see many stories of how things have changed for the average person since our great event of fall 2008. Many will talk of loss of jobs or loss of value in their house, and for some the loss becomes very real due to the hardships associated with being forced out of a situation they had found themselves in. I, myself, "lost" a home due to foreclosure during this time, and also "lost" my good credit completely when I filed for bankruptcy shortly thereafter. Yet here I am in a finer home (with a solid assist from above mentioned auntie - gratitude emerges again for this), and being quite able to exist without the ability to place myself in debt at my whim. Reflection tells me I am far better off in spite of these "losses". Time and again I hear people talking about returning to the period before 2008 - the "good times", yet no one seems to get that those times were the result of a particular set of circumstances that were entirely unsustainable and in many ways quite insane and destructive (let's not forget criminal). How were they destructive you ask? Well, for one thing it allowed lots and lots of people to pile up vast "wealth" due to property values rising or their 401k getting fat, or worse yet adopting a lifestyle that was only possible due to the fiction that they were wealthy. My job during this time was delivering fine furniture to homes in the Twin Cities, and I would daily venture into these vast new developments to fill up the McMansions with thousands and thousands of dollars of goods. Very often I would encounter the 20-something homeowner pulling up in their brand-new European luxury sedan, and I would walk away asking my delivery partner, "Where the hell are these people getting all this money?!?". I could sense that something was amiss here, but it was a big party until it wasn't anymore. The party has been over for 6 years now, yet I still see attempts to pump those kegs and wake the passed-out guests for further bumping, grinding, and merriment. I have to ask - who really thinks that we will ever return to that model again? Why would we want to? I know why some people would want to, but why would any sane person wish to go down that path again. It was an illusion. It created a false "normal" reality. This distortion continues to be destructive as we attempt in vain to reclaim that position, still thinking it was one we could adopt as the new model, going forever higher.

Another question that I have been pondering for several years now, and have not seen an answer to; it would appear that all nations of the world are experiencing a crisis of debt (wait, debt = money, right? So are we not suffering from too much money? Then why is it so hard to come by? I'm so confused). So, who, exactly, holds this "debt" and by what means was it incurred? I have always contended that there has been a constant pattern of creation of "money" by all of these exotic derivative schemes, and the ultimate plan is to have those of us who create real wealth through labor or production of real goods make it "real" by trading said real wealth against the fiction - much like some sort of modern alchemy. It would seem that one way to solve this global problem would be to simply declare a Jubilee of sorts and forgive all this fictitious debt that can never, ever be repaid. However, that would require open and honest assessment of what is held as "wealth" by so many, and there would be the need for those many, who I am sure are quite unwilling, to take a "loss" of their imaginary riches. I shall not hold my breath......

Now we come to the issue of "Change". President Obama rode this simple word to great effect when he began his quest to lead us (I just threw up a bit - sorry), yet if one were to be honest and review what he actually said during his campaign, it was obvious that a continuation of many of the worst practices of the prior administration were on the table and no effort to hide such intentions was ever made. In this case, change took place in the form of the facade behind which all the bullshit that passes as our government occurs, and nothing more. It was simply a rebranding of the same horror. We can see that one of the true constants in nature is the ongoing process of change, and thus we cannot escape the eventuality of these things coming to be, yet what we attempt to label as change in our processes here as humans playing at "civilization" never seems to truly achieve this standard. It would appear to be more of a cycle than anything else really - one that leads time and again to the same tragic result; most often wars and mass suffering and death. In this regard, true change is needed for us to survive on this plane.
It may already be far too late for that to happen however.

This then brings me to my final point for today's exercise in word salad. When I cast my gaze outward to see what themes are trending (see, I can be hip too!), I see much talk of an "awakening" in humanity, and time and again I see it written that profound change is just around the corner or merely moments away. Raise your vibration! Cast out fear and embrace the Light! Download the latest channeling from the Galactic Council and be awakened to your true destiny as a Lightworker! It would appear that true and monumental change is here if we can just get enough people to buy into the same program and chant the proper words at the precise moment with the right hat on while the planets are just so.........or something.

I don't mean to make fun of any of those engaging in such practices (ok, I really do), but I can't see how any of it has merit beyond soothing the individual so engaged, and that is in itself a valid pursuit. I am also open to all of these paths being equally valid, and in the context of the definition of "All" this makes the most sense. No one "Truth" that MUST be shared universally to be in agreement with Creation. I just get tired of people telling me "you are doing it wrong" or belittling those whose choose to pursue other paths, merely to soothe their own egos. Senseless points of diversion which do more to divide us that unite. One thing I do know, again from observing our greatest teacher - Nature - is that when an organism is faced with an evolutionary "brick wall" so to speak, it either finds a way to mutate/evolve, or it ceases to be. It kinda looks like a brick wall is dead ahead for all of us, so as individuals we should probably be open to some form of profound change happening ahead, whether we are prepared or not. It is a constant. The question I have now is, are we in a cycle that is merely a repeating one with subtle changes of scenery or characters only, or does our path take an evolutionary slant and move in a spiral fashion rather than a mobius strip where we only wind up at the same place time and time again? Can we truly move beyond this way of existing, and find that "Home" that so many of us seem to long for? I don't know. I really don't. I doubt that anyone does, truly.

Getting wordy here. I would like to leave this message with a word of thanks to the Universe for allowing me to be blessed by the presence of a pure and beautiful creature who left us this morning. I would like to dedicate this day to the memory of my dear friend Mimi, a wonderful, loving Eeker who taught me some things and never failed to make my heart lighter in her presence. I will miss you beautiful one.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Dying To Make It

At long last - the video.

I hope that some of you may enjoy watching this.

It is hard to view the performance if awareness of "Z" is allowed to filter in, or if the memories of the turmoil that surrounded the creation become too strong, but I am proud of the music and have deep respect for all involved in the process of creating this work.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Bad Theater

All of it is.

Likely always has been, but the degree to which this has become obvious in all realms of this thing we term "Existence" is truly beyond any doubt for me. Many of us claim to have discovered some sort of "Truth" and many more pretend to be actively seeking same, but please note that if one is using any of the 5 (known) senses to do so your chances of success are basically nil as far as I can tell. This place is some kind of movie and while I don't claim to know who is writing and producing it (suspicions only), it is less and less interesting all the time. I can even say I'm done and ready to go home now please, but my ride has yet to arrive so I will stay here and try to pay attention for a bit longer.......

Humans lie. We lie to each other and most often, to ourselves. In the coarser aspect, there is little that a person can hear, read, or even see these days that isn't tainted by another's perspective - for better or worse is up to individual interpretation I suppose. Most of it is simply there to either steer or obfuscate. Or simply to further confuse those that attempt to navigate this realm using the common tools at hand. Personal beliefs can be reinforced or challenged, but seldom directly changed by this process, unless the recipient is a truly open receptacle - and even then the turn is likely heading for another dark alley. How do we really come to understand ANYTHING as being true anymore? What does that word even mean? We are probably forced to lie to ourselves, and then others to satisfy our representative self.  More and more the notion of any universal (small "u") "truths" existing seems comical in the extreme, yet it appears that we try and try to identify something as being so and then set out to defend that determination with varying degrees of determination, depending on how deeply-rooted this "truth" has become. The Ego is a mofo to be sure. It runs in direct opposition to the notion of what "All" might signify. Forgive my clumsy wording here - this is part of the reason I no longer feel compelled to write anymore. I don't know what I am trying to say most of the time.

I was granted a bit of a break from my own hapless flailing recently since I had taken on a job that occupied most of my time and a huge percentage of my energy. After my day's toil, it seemed all I could do to make it home and feed myself before collapsing into bed to rest for the next day's repeated activity. There were some positive aspects to be sure, and one that was somewhat unexpected - I no longer had the time or energy to look out at the greater world and try to sort out what was really going on via the usual avenues. No time to peruse any sort of "news" or media of any kind, really. This also took a toll on my human relationships, as there was less time to engage in conversation with those near and far that have come to mean so much to me. Another compromise made I guess, in the interest of maintaining some sort of presence here in this show. I mostly did it for my family and for my sense of worth as measured by the yardstick at hand. Another part of me hated every second of it.

 On the other side, I was helping to lessen the strain of trying to maintain our middle-class suburban status by giving us at least a small margin to operate with, and even maybe hope to some day get "caught up" and beyond the constant threat of wolves at our door. We are not there yet, and now I sit here unable to continue this process as I pay my penalty for "breaking the rules". I won't get into the specifics, really. I knew what I signed up for and still pretended that I was not subject to any imposed restrictions on my behaviour outside of my "job" since I felt they were arbitrary and unjust. Arrogance got the best of me, and now I bow my head and leap through the hoops placed before me to regain favor and get back into line with the rest of the herd. Yippee. Is it time to go yet? Damn......

Having some free time again, I thought I would take a peek at some things I had once used to help form my worldview, and to try and navigate the ups and downs that we all face on this ride. Not surprisingly, I found much the same as before, only now with a curious twist to it all - it seemed even MORE insultingly contrived and even LESS likely to contain any degree of unfiltered truth. So much bullshit floating around, and now there is seemingly endless propaganda afloat to reinforce ANY chosen worldview! Why do I keep beating my head against the same wall over and over? Why do so few even attempt to weigh what is placed before them to try and sort the poison out? Ah, to each their own - free will and all, right? I'm beginning to see that it is all just there for no other reason than to fool us into continuing to seek out items of value outside ourselves. A head-fake. A distraction. A way to piss away an entire lifetime (or many!) spinning around in circles looking for the right path to take us...............somewhere. Home? Away? Anyplace but right here, right now? Man, I sure don't know, but I feel foolish for wasting so much time and energy trying to convince myself I had a clue.

(I have to keep remembering that we all get to choose how we go about our business, and to avoid the trap that compares my own path to that of anyone else.)

For a long time, I used the "Opposite World" measure for new inputs. If something was being trumpeted as the "Truth" I would first consider the opposite and begin from there. This still works to a degree, but now it seems that the masks have all begun to be removed and the need for obfuscation is dwindling. Those who would pretend to steer the course of world events, and as a result our daily lives, appear to have become so emboldened that any pretense is simply not necessary. It is certainly far easier to be up-front and truthful about one's actions and intentions if there is no threat of challenge or retaliation from those who would be opposed to whatever you are up to. Being a liar takes extra care and effort, as keeping things hidden gets harder and harder to do. There is an apparent "waking up" of a greater number of people, at least to the fact that most of what they have taken on as reliable and trustworthy really isn't. Maybe that is the point of all of what is found "out there". Finally reaching a point where we all say "fuck this" and just distill our efforts down to the very moment we are in and the immediate surroundings. That might actually start to lead us to a point where we can begin to see what we are, or maybe better still, what we are supposed to be (or truly are but just don't know it yet). Then we might stand a chance of taking on some methods to refine our senses and tune into the messages that actually have importance and potential for creating.........well, I don't know exactly, but "not this" is a start. But it is all a process I suppose. Round and round we go.

I don't really even know why I am sitting here writing this right now, as there are likely more important things I could be doing. Sitting outside in the Sun and watching my breathing comes to mind. Focusing the energy that exists inside me on staying present rather than wandering off into the illusion yet again would be good. Trying harder to keep the interloper from dropping in and hijacking my mind and taking it to some as-yet arrived at horror show - been there enough to be sure. There has been an urge to let some of this stuff out for a while, and I guess for whatever reason now is the time and this is the method. I have no illusions that there is any value in this exercise beyond having a conversation with myself, and maybe because I long to connect with anyone who might share any small portion of my heart as I attempt to open it up and peek inside. It's funny, but I have never felt so utterly lost but at the same time never as OK with it as I do right now. Is it despair? It doesn't feel like that. It just feels......impersonal and without judgement at the finer moments. Acceptance with a dose of strange euphoria mixed in sometimes. Strange.

 If one looks through the window into what passes for our shared "reality" right now, it would seem that there are very powerful indications that something "big" is looming (when ISN'T there?!?). It could even be said that we are on the very edge of a profound change - good, bad, but more likely indifferent if I am taking the hints right. All I know is that the scenes I am seeing are both comically and tragically so over-the-top that I simply no longer know what might be in store, and care less and less to be emotionally involved in it. And that is OK. It's all just some sort of projection, right? Bad Theater indeed.

In spite of any of that poorly scripted drama, something continues to animate me and allows me the choice to get sucked into the vortex of lies and confusion, or not move one centimeter beyond the breath that emerges from my body. Sometimes it is easy to stay centered and in the present; other times, I am swept away by the current scene playing and find all manner of reactions taking place that I would never willingly invite on board. I thank the Universe for at least allowing me the choice where to reside, and also for allowing that warm, glowing component that resides in the center of this body to ALWAYS be there to remind me that I am never truly alone. Gratitude arises, as does the need to say how much I miss a simpler time, and most of all, those who I no longer communicate with directly. I'm still here. For whatever reason the breath continues to flow in and out, and another chance to make choices about which story I want to watch arrives. It doesn't even matter "why"  or "how" anymore, it just simply "is" I guess. I'm out.

Much Love for All, and endless gratitude for this opportunity,


Monday, September 23, 2013

I Surrender

I give. Uncle. Let me up, I've had enough.

This is too much to carry around, so please take it from me. There is no outcome on this path other than total destruction and I'm not ready for that - if I may be so bold as to assume any sort of say in the matter.

Hey guy in the Escalade with that trendy Mega-church sticker in the window - I forgive you. I owe you a debt of gratitude even. 7 hours ago my fondest fantasy was to follow you to wherever you were going and drag you from your vehicle so I could administer a proper curb-stomping. I know it must be huge fun to roll around in your big Cadillac truck endangering other's lives - that much was obvious from the way you were laughing so hard as we did our little dance. I see what you did there.........

Thanks for indulging me when I needed to go right to the very edge and cast my safety to the wind like that. I will admit it was invigorating in an odd way. Maybe I can return the favor some day. I'm glad now that I wasn't able to connect with that kick to your door, because that would have made it something I could feel bad about after the fact. Such a shiny machine you were driving. It would have been a shame to damage it in any way, even if it would have been when you intentionally veered into my line in attempt to crush me. It's all good. No harm, no foul.

I forgive all you Public Servants toiling away on my behalf, trying so very hard to protect me from myself and all the evils of the wider world. I see what you're up to as well. You too, anonymous commenters, and all you bloggers and "journalists" making up the din that is never-ending and taking us all further into hell. I would really like to tell you all to get over yourselves and maybe take a walk and get some fresh air, but that is what I'm gonna do instead of investing another minute listening to or reading your bullshit. I know, I know - you really DO have it all figured out and I'm just a sheeple, or Libtard, or whatever other derisive word is popular right now when dismissing someone who has a differing opinion or experience. Have at each other, reinforcing that ever-expanding imagined division between yourself and your brothers and sisters. I'm sure that will work out great for all involved. I know you will be there if I should need to cover myself in that particular stench again, but I hope to not be in that spot anytime soon. You shall receive no more of my time or emotional energy. That is a promise.

The addition of the subtle and not-so-subtle T&A at your websites was a nice touch, by the way. I realize it wasn't placed there by you yourself and is simply part of the cost of doing business in your neck of the woods, but you were the one who chose to "monetize" your location - heck, we all gotta eat, right? So what harm can a little 3d party advertising do, even if some of it is thinly-veiled soft porn (the woman with her head tilted up, eyes closed and mouth open getting that "salad dressing" all over her chin was brilliant!)? Nothing like devolving right down to the basest levels while providing quality misdirection and spin. I have to ask though, what's with all the strange, twisted visages of human forms? Is the woman with the ass as wide as her shoulders on an otherwise fit form supposed to attract the eye due to the sheer comical nature of the proportions, or do you think we'll believe it is real and click for a closer view of your freak? The distorted faces and creepy old people are just that - creepy. It doesn't matter, because I'm done with all of it.

Speaking of clicking, I will say I didn't much appreciate the constant attacks on my computer generated by whatever nefarious bugs were lurking - even at sites that had an air of legitimacy or even, dare I say,    "light" in their message. Pretty sneaky to try and draw in folks who are looking for some sort of refuge or keys to improvement, then unleashing digital demons that hang up, shut down or even attempt to destroy a person's computer. I guess that's my bad for thinking once again that there is any sort of "truth" to be found out there, simply by getting the url right. Silly me.

So, the rules have changed I see. It is now quite obviously the time of instant feedback and immediate consequence. I used to be able to slide into that old familiar space and carry around a chip on my shoulder for a while, slowly working through it until it was no longer needed for the lesson at hand, but I guess there is a new protocol in place. I see now what happens if I dare linger in a place of anger for even a few minutes; it is returned with interest. Damn, I was SO into that raging place, too, and thought that maybe it could be redirected and used as fuel for good works, but no; it has to boomerang and come right back with an even heavier load attached. Geez, is there something going on here that requires a reinvestigation of how one carries their energies around? Some deeper changes at hand? Is it no longer OK to fall back into those old, reliable grooves of anger and pessimism when attempting to navigate what passes for life these days? Someone even suggested I had some cynicism in me recently. Go figure......

It will be an interesting test to see what will happen should I become able to reconnect with a calmer, gentler way of being. I see what happens when I walk around like a loaded gun, broadcasting my darkness, and geez, what do you know, attracting the same?! It would be quite a thing to be in the opposite realm, carrying forth with nothing but lightness and a deep, abiding love on tap. I have been there before. I know the magic that is contained in that heart space. The whole world changes. I intend to reclaim that position and can only hope that when the outgoing wave returns it will also be bringing along an amplified crescendo to crush me completely. I need it. Bring it on.

One final point, and this one is for you, Universe. I don't know what was up with depriving me of my avenue of expression for so long, but that will also be changing. Not being able to play my instrument for all these many months was truly the final straw and it will NOT continue. It cannot. I know in the past I have not properly honored the gifts given to me, but I am making the correction of that wrong my top priority, along with the restoration of the body used in these exercises. You first introduced me to the magic of spirit through this avenue, and the removal of that path has brought much pain and humility. Being used by you to allow your outward expression hooked me like the finest drug imaginable, and I want more of it. I know "I" could never play like that.....

 Please grant me the ability to be a channel for those glorious vibrations once again. I surrender fully to you and wish only to serve the higher purpose and to do justice to the tasks at hand; with grace, proper humility, and the furtherance of Loving Intention. Use me. Burn me up completely if you wish, just please don't let me be destroyed by some misdirected, careless act carried out in anger. You almost let me go there. I'm hoping there was a reason I was pulled back from that brink in the last possible moment. I am, in fact, counting on it.