Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Bad Theater

All of it is.

Likely always has been, but the degree to which this has become obvious in all realms of this thing we term "Existence" is truly beyond any doubt for me. Many of us claim to have discovered some sort of "Truth" and many more pretend to be actively seeking same, but please note that if one is using any of the 5 (known) senses to do so your chances of success are basically nil as far as I can tell. This place is some kind of movie and while I don't claim to know who is writing and producing it (suspicions only), it is less and less interesting all the time. I can even say I'm done and ready to go home now please, but my ride has yet to arrive so I will stay here and try to pay attention for a bit longer.......

Humans lie. We lie to each other and most often, to ourselves. In the coarser aspect, there is little that a person can hear, read, or even see these days that isn't tainted by another's perspective - for better or worse is up to individual interpretation I suppose. Most of it is simply there to either steer or obfuscate. Or simply to further confuse those that attempt to navigate this realm using the common tools at hand. Personal beliefs can be reinforced or challenged, but seldom directly changed by this process, unless the recipient is a truly open receptacle - and even then the turn is likely heading for another dark alley. How do we really come to understand ANYTHING as being true anymore? What does that word even mean? We are probably forced to lie to ourselves, and then others to satisfy our representative self.  More and more the notion of any universal (small "u") "truths" existing seems comical in the extreme, yet it appears that we try and try to identify something as being so and then set out to defend that determination with varying degrees of determination, depending on how deeply-rooted this "truth" has become. The Ego is a mofo to be sure. It runs in direct opposition to the notion of what "All" might signify. Forgive my clumsy wording here - this is part of the reason I no longer feel compelled to write anymore. I don't know what I am trying to say most of the time.

I was granted a bit of a break from my own hapless flailing recently since I had taken on a job that occupied most of my time and a huge percentage of my energy. After my day's toil, it seemed all I could do to make it home and feed myself before collapsing into bed to rest for the next day's repeated activity. There were some positive aspects to be sure, and one that was somewhat unexpected - I no longer had the time or energy to look out at the greater world and try to sort out what was really going on via the usual avenues. No time to peruse any sort of "news" or media of any kind, really. This also took a toll on my human relationships, as there was less time to engage in conversation with those near and far that have come to mean so much to me. Another compromise made I guess, in the interest of maintaining some sort of presence here in this show. I mostly did it for my family and for my sense of worth as measured by the yardstick at hand. Another part of me hated every second of it.

 On the other side, I was helping to lessen the strain of trying to maintain our middle-class suburban status by giving us at least a small margin to operate with, and even maybe hope to some day get "caught up" and beyond the constant threat of wolves at our door. We are not there yet, and now I sit here unable to continue this process as I pay my penalty for "breaking the rules". I won't get into the specifics, really. I knew what I signed up for and still pretended that I was not subject to any imposed restrictions on my behaviour outside of my "job" since I felt they were arbitrary and unjust. Arrogance got the best of me, and now I bow my head and leap through the hoops placed before me to regain favor and get back into line with the rest of the herd. Yippee. Is it time to go yet? Damn......

Having some free time again, I thought I would take a peek at some things I had once used to help form my worldview, and to try and navigate the ups and downs that we all face on this ride. Not surprisingly, I found much the same as before, only now with a curious twist to it all - it seemed even MORE insultingly contrived and even LESS likely to contain any degree of unfiltered truth. So much bullshit floating around, and now there is seemingly endless propaganda afloat to reinforce ANY chosen worldview! Why do I keep beating my head against the same wall over and over? Why do so few even attempt to weigh what is placed before them to try and sort the poison out? Ah, to each their own - free will and all, right? I'm beginning to see that it is all just there for no other reason than to fool us into continuing to seek out items of value outside ourselves. A head-fake. A distraction. A way to piss away an entire lifetime (or many!) spinning around in circles looking for the right path to take us...............somewhere. Home? Away? Anyplace but right here, right now? Man, I sure don't know, but I feel foolish for wasting so much time and energy trying to convince myself I had a clue.

(I have to keep remembering that we all get to choose how we go about our business, and to avoid the trap that compares my own path to that of anyone else.)

For a long time, I used the "Opposite World" measure for new inputs. If something was being trumpeted as the "Truth" I would first consider the opposite and begin from there. This still works to a degree, but now it seems that the masks have all begun to be removed and the need for obfuscation is dwindling. Those who would pretend to steer the course of world events, and as a result our daily lives, appear to have become so emboldened that any pretense is simply not necessary. It is certainly far easier to be up-front and truthful about one's actions and intentions if there is no threat of challenge or retaliation from those who would be opposed to whatever you are up to. Being a liar takes extra care and effort, as keeping things hidden gets harder and harder to do. There is an apparent "waking up" of a greater number of people, at least to the fact that most of what they have taken on as reliable and trustworthy really isn't. Maybe that is the point of all of what is found "out there". Finally reaching a point where we all say "fuck this" and just distill our efforts down to the very moment we are in and the immediate surroundings. That might actually start to lead us to a point where we can begin to see what we are, or maybe better still, what we are supposed to be (or truly are but just don't know it yet). Then we might stand a chance of taking on some methods to refine our senses and tune into the messages that actually have importance and potential for creating.........well, I don't know exactly, but "not this" is a start. But it is all a process I suppose. Round and round we go.

I don't really even know why I am sitting here writing this right now, as there are likely more important things I could be doing. Sitting outside in the Sun and watching my breathing comes to mind. Focusing the energy that exists inside me on staying present rather than wandering off into the illusion yet again would be good. Trying harder to keep the interloper from dropping in and hijacking my mind and taking it to some as-yet arrived at horror show - been there enough to be sure. There has been an urge to let some of this stuff out for a while, and I guess for whatever reason now is the time and this is the method. I have no illusions that there is any value in this exercise beyond having a conversation with myself, and maybe because I long to connect with anyone who might share any small portion of my heart as I attempt to open it up and peek inside. It's funny, but I have never felt so utterly lost but at the same time never as OK with it as I do right now. Is it despair? It doesn't feel like that. It just feels......impersonal and without judgement at the finer moments. Acceptance with a dose of strange euphoria mixed in sometimes. Strange.

 If one looks through the window into what passes for our shared "reality" right now, it would seem that there are very powerful indications that something "big" is looming (when ISN'T there?!?). It could even be said that we are on the very edge of a profound change - good, bad, but more likely indifferent if I am taking the hints right. All I know is that the scenes I am seeing are both comically and tragically so over-the-top that I simply no longer know what might be in store, and care less and less to be emotionally involved in it. And that is OK. It's all just some sort of projection, right? Bad Theater indeed.

In spite of any of that poorly scripted drama, something continues to animate me and allows me the choice to get sucked into the vortex of lies and confusion, or not move one centimeter beyond the breath that emerges from my body. Sometimes it is easy to stay centered and in the present; other times, I am swept away by the current scene playing and find all manner of reactions taking place that I would never willingly invite on board. I thank the Universe for at least allowing me the choice where to reside, and also for allowing that warm, glowing component that resides in the center of this body to ALWAYS be there to remind me that I am never truly alone. Gratitude arises, as does the need to say how much I miss a simpler time, and most of all, those who I no longer communicate with directly. I'm still here. For whatever reason the breath continues to flow in and out, and another chance to make choices about which story I want to watch arrives. It doesn't even matter "why"  or "how" anymore, it just simply "is" I guess. I'm out.

Much Love for All, and endless gratitude for this opportunity,


Monday, October 7, 2013

Les Visible.....

......is being less than forthright about a situation and I wish to address it here.

I am the one who had offered to proofread his latest work, as I immediately found a few errors after buying a digital copy from him. My initial foray turned into an offer to complete the work - made by me. I had NO IDEA the extent of the correction needed, but since I had offered I attempted to follow through. I was unable to do so for reasons not really important at the moment but anyone reading my prior posts may have a clue. Let's just say it has been a rough stretch for many, many people I know and I was not immune.

During the course of communications, I expressed some reservations about being able to do so in a timely fashion. I SPECIFICALLY said it may be difficult to take it on at this time as a full-time deal and also made him aware that I have had trouble with time management in the past and had let folks down. I was open about my reservations and encouraged him to find additional help.

I also expressed a NEED to complete this task as it was a good test of my ability to follow through for once with an offer to help him. I had volunteered to do this very same task once before for another of his books and failed completely, so none of this should have been too big a shock really. I appreciated the faith shown in me, and am bummed I was unable to correct my failings of the past. My bad. I suck.

The statement that I made an offer to "professionally" complete this task is an absolute fabrication, as I stated in no uncertain terms that I was in no way a professional proofer or editor. This is simply a lie on his part.

I fully admit that I offered to do this, and that my communication was lacking at times, but anyone reading his work lately saw that Les himself was "going through it". Things have been terrifyingly difficult for the past few weeks. It happens. Sometimes we are not ourselves, but hopefully we recover.

I asked for 1 week to complete the job. The statement that I had "chosen not to inform him that I wasn't going to do it" was true in one sense, but as the week was up today, this informing was to be done this morning. I woke to a message asking about progress and told him then of my regret. I should have sent the message last night as I had intended but did not - not that it would have changed anything The return response was not all that kind and suggested ill intent while making no mention of the work I HAD completed.

What isn't mentioned by Les is that I completed fully 1/3 of the task and submitted the finished work upon completion of each chapter. This was done a couple weeks ago. 1/3 completely done to the best of my ability. I don't regret the time spent doing this as I felt I was helping out a friend. I see now no friendship existed - at least of the kind I would wish to maintain.

What is implied in the commentary about this situation is that there is some nefarious purpose behind it all - that I am somehow part of whatever alleged conspiracy that exists that is "out to get him" or mess with his ability to do what he does. Not true in the least. I'm just a flawed person who is adept at promising things I cannot deliver. Ask my wife. Ask my bandmates. I'm a work in progress and have a long way to go. "Under the government's thumb"? Yeah, right. "Out for personal gain"? I asked for NOTHING in return and made it clear I would accept NO compensation for my effort. None has been forthcoming and beyond a "Thanks!!!" upon submission of each completed chapter there has been no further expression of gratitude for what I DID complete, only words that were filled with innuendo and suggestions of evil intent - never explicitly stated but delivered in that classic "Les Visible" style of sideways snark. Cross him or disagree with something sometime and have a taste for yourself.

Finally, this morning, a few exchanges occurred and it was a parting of ways. I'm so very cool with that after this experience. I see an effort by Les to once again portray himself as a victim while neglecting to mention fully the realities of what happened, or at least accept is as an honest failing. But no, this was to be used as further "evidence" of his continued persecution by evildoers. My attempt at a brief comment in the Origami posting to explain my side was never published, and my request to have the link to my blog at his sites has gone unheeded. It takes all of 2 minutes to do so.

There is a pattern in his world where often any discourse is met with attack. I don't feel I have suffered an attack per se, but have witnessed Les placing his "image" above truth, and I cannot abide that. My simple request to remove the link to this blog has gone unheeded so I will put this up while it exists and predict the linking will be severed post haste. I'm so very OK with that. Just watch how quickly it vanishes...........

If any of his readers feel the need to drop by and take a dump on me for whatever perceived transgressions I am responsible for, so be it. I am at the core grateful, however, that any failings of this book can in NO WAY be placed at my feet. I tried, I failed, I disappointed someone who I though was a friend, but truth has been revealed and for that I am grateful.

Monday, September 23, 2013

I Surrender

I give. Uncle. Let me up, I've had enough.

This is too much to carry around, so please take it from me. There is no outcome on this path other than total destruction and I'm not ready for that - if I may be so bold as to assume any sort of say in the matter.

Hey guy in the Escalade with that trendy Mega-church sticker in the window - I forgive you. I owe you a debt of gratitude even. 7 hours ago my fondest fantasy was to follow you to wherever you were going and drag you from your vehicle so I could administer a proper curb-stomping. I know it must be huge fun to roll around in your big Cadillac truck endangering other's lives - that much was obvious from the way you were laughing so hard as we did our little dance. I see what you did there.........

Thanks for indulging me when I needed to go right to the very edge and cast my safety to the wind like that. I will admit it was invigorating in an odd way. Maybe I can return the favor some day. I'm glad now that I wasn't able to connect with that kick to your door, because that would have made it something I could feel bad about after the fact. Such a shiny machine you were driving. It would have been a shame to damage it in any way, even if it would have been when you intentionally veered into my line in attempt to crush me. It's all good. No harm, no foul.

I forgive all you Public Servants toiling away on my behalf, trying so very hard to protect me from myself and all the evils of the wider world. I see what you're up to as well. You too, anonymous commenters, and all you bloggers and "journalists" making up the din that is never-ending and taking us all further into hell. I would really like to tell you all to get over yourselves and maybe take a walk and get some fresh air, but that is what I'm gonna do instead of investing another minute listening to or reading your bullshit. I know, I know - you really DO have it all figured out and I'm just a sheeple, or Libtard, or whatever other derisive word is popular right now when dismissing someone who has a differing opinion or experience. Have at each other, reinforcing that ever-expanding imagined division between yourself and your brothers and sisters. I'm sure that will work out great for all involved. I know you will be there if I should need to cover myself in that particular stench again, but I hope to not be in that spot anytime soon. You shall receive no more of my time or emotional energy. That is a promise.

The addition of the subtle and not-so-subtle T&A at your websites was a nice touch, by the way. I realize it wasn't placed there by you yourself and is simply part of the cost of doing business in your neck of the woods, but you were the one who chose to "monetize" your location - heck, we all gotta eat, right? So what harm can a little 3d party advertising do, even if some of it is thinly-veiled soft porn (the woman with her head tilted up, eyes closed and mouth open getting that "salad dressing" all over her chin was brilliant!)? Nothing like devolving right down to the basest levels while providing quality misdirection and spin. I have to ask though, what's with all the strange, twisted visages of human forms? Is the woman with the ass as wide as her shoulders on an otherwise fit form supposed to attract the eye due to the sheer comical nature of the proportions, or do you think we'll believe it is real and click for a closer view of your freak? The distorted faces and creepy old people are just that - creepy. It doesn't matter, because I'm done with all of it.

Speaking of clicking, I will say I didn't much appreciate the constant attacks on my computer generated by whatever nefarious bugs were lurking - even at sites that had an air of legitimacy or even, dare I say,    "light" in their message. Pretty sneaky to try and draw in folks who are looking for some sort of refuge or keys to improvement, then unleashing digital demons that hang up, shut down or even attempt to destroy a person's computer. I guess that's my bad for thinking once again that there is any sort of "truth" to be found out there, simply by getting the url right. Silly me.

So, the rules have changed I see. It is now quite obviously the time of instant feedback and immediate consequence. I used to be able to slide into that old familiar space and carry around a chip on my shoulder for a while, slowly working through it until it was no longer needed for the lesson at hand, but I guess there is a new protocol in place. I see now what happens if I dare linger in a place of anger for even a few minutes; it is returned with interest. Damn, I was SO into that raging place, too, and thought that maybe it could be redirected and used as fuel for good works, but no; it has to boomerang and come right back with an even heavier load attached. Geez, is there something going on here that requires a reinvestigation of how one carries their energies around? Some deeper changes at hand? Is it no longer OK to fall back into those old, reliable grooves of anger and pessimism when attempting to navigate what passes for life these days? Someone even suggested I had some cynicism in me recently. Go figure......

It will be an interesting test to see what will happen should I become able to reconnect with a calmer, gentler way of being. I see what happens when I walk around like a loaded gun, broadcasting my darkness, and geez, what do you know, attracting the same?! It would be quite a thing to be in the opposite realm, carrying forth with nothing but lightness and a deep, abiding love on tap. I have been there before. I know the magic that is contained in that heart space. The whole world changes. I intend to reclaim that position and can only hope that when the outgoing wave returns it will also be bringing along an amplified crescendo to crush me completely. I need it. Bring it on.

One final point, and this one is for you, Universe. I don't know what was up with depriving me of my avenue of expression for so long, but that will also be changing. Not being able to play my instrument for all these many months was truly the final straw and it will NOT continue. It cannot. I know in the past I have not properly honored the gifts given to me, but I am making the correction of that wrong my top priority, along with the restoration of the body used in these exercises. You first introduced me to the magic of spirit through this avenue, and the removal of that path has brought much pain and humility. Being used by you to allow your outward expression hooked me like the finest drug imaginable, and I want more of it. I know "I" could never play like that.....

 Please grant me the ability to be a channel for those glorious vibrations once again. I surrender fully to you and wish only to serve the higher purpose and to do justice to the tasks at hand; with grace, proper humility, and the furtherance of Loving Intention. Use me. Burn me up completely if you wish, just please don't let me be destroyed by some misdirected, careless act carried out in anger. You almost let me go there. I'm hoping there was a reason I was pulled back from that brink in the last possible moment. I am, in fact, counting on it.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Discernment and The Void

We live in an information age, of that there is no doubt. Most assume (I assume) that this is an entirely positive state, and celebrate the fact that we now have the ability to share our thoughts, creations, observations and opinions with the entire world through the wonders of the internet and social media that resides within that structure. It is a crude but powerful example of our true connectedness with each other and Creation itself. A sort of "One Mind" model only with more advertisements and pitfalls along the way.

Using this tool, many of us have re-shaped our worldview, or more likely reinforced the worldview we have accepted as our version of "Truth" by seeking out and aligning with those who offer "facts" and opinions that reinforce this personal view of our world. This can be greatly satisfying to the smaller part of our being who demands constant reinforcement and validation - the Ego. When a seeker finds that link to the article that PROVES Obama is a shape-shifting reptile who is intent on serving us up to his Draco overlords as lunch, that small part leaps up from wherever it is seated and shouts "See! I KNEW it was true!!". Often the next step is to post the link and share with others in the hope of reinforcing the notion in the wider sphere, while also, (likely) unknowingly satisfying the need to keep the Ego happy. This may even be the primary function of passing on discoveries - a need to satisfy our own doubts, more than any kind of benevolent attempt to "wake up" others. I can't count the number of times I have read an article or commentary expressing the frustration of not being able to make others "see" as we do. Countless tales exist of dismissing others as "agents" or "trolls" simply for not being entirely in alignment with EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of a writer's worldview. This is a tool of division and is extremely dangerous. (Hint - it isn't your job to "enlighten" anyone. You risk coming off as an arrogant ass for even attempting to do so.)

 We find a certain resonance when our pieces click together, and this is where I think that discernment enters and needs to be practiced, as I contend that there are differing centers within that provide these resonances and steer us towards accepting (then probably sharing) our discovered "Truths". The most easily seen level of resonance is an intellectual one, driven by what we "know" and are able to tap into with relative ease. This is the realm of Ego, and is most likely to allow false information to be embraced and held as Truth - simply to satisfy the needs of Ego itself.

On a subtler level, resonance occurs and we may not even recognize it as such. It may even be uncomfortable for some, as it wars with the Ego and can cause that most dreaded of states - doubt. Cognitive dissonance is truly a bitch. Few things are more difficult for humans to process on an intellectual level that the notion of being "wrong" about something, and the longer one holds to their own personal view of Existence and strives to reinforce it with research and "proofs", the harder it becomes to admit any information that is contradictory or challenging of that view, regardless of the veracity of said info. Truth then become personalized and walls are build to defend and isolate. I will state here that I do not think that the idea of a truly individual Truth is at all inaccurate, just that the manner in which one constructs their perception needs to be carefully sorted and vetted in a deeper space to avoid the traps of the coarser aspect. Many tools are used to distill incoming information down to a finer level for discernment, and have been throughout our time here as sentient beings. It is wise, I think, to develop an internal system of fact-checking, and one that does not reside above the shoulders and between the ears. The brain has many important functions for us, but I do not believe separating truth from fiction is one of its better uses.

I will make an attempt to share an experience I had that illustrated for me the value of staying as empty as possible; of clinging to no beliefs and being open to new possibilities and resonances as they present, for the purpose of truly becoming "Enlightened" or aligned with creation. Words are not best suited for this task, but it is all that I have available in this moment to attempt to share.

One night, upon climbing into bed for my slumber, I recall dozing into that half-awake state where one is not fully asleep nor awake. In this space, I experienced a brilliant, sparkling light that rose incredibly fast from my core and exploded out of the top of my head, leaving me in the aftermath of this "Big Bang" in what I can only describe as a "state". There was no sense of location, no recognition of time, and the position from which this was observed is indescribable. There was no visual attraction, no sound or sensation that was familiar. This was a state of No-thing. This was what I now believe was The Void.

If one were to attempt to describe the duration of this visit using conventional methods, I was there for the most incredibly small fraction of "time". Yet, within this duration, something was shown that I carry with me at my deepest core, and has become one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. I experienced the complete and utter removal of every-thing from my perception, yet found contained within a profound condition that I term "potential". In that infinite moment of hesitation, All was contained, not as an expression but as the potential for the expression of absolutely everything. It was all "there", hanging, paused, ready to manifest and begin the outward movement that would, I suppose, result in becoming separated from the source if one can imagine that is possible. And I believe that "Source" is indeed what was tapped into in this moment. Much like brushing up against a line carrying voltage, an incredible surge was created and then ceased, leaving a lingering sense of "Wow" and no small amount of tingling.

The true value of this lesson was the realization that to fully appreciate the gift of resonance and discernment from within, I needed to make sure that my vessel was as empty as possible to allow a proper flow from this Source. The constant scanning of web pages in search of external truth had begun to pile up layer upon layer of crap that was acting as a dam and a filter. "I don't know" became OK, and even seen as a desired condition. This the Ego does not appreciate, but it is not my job to satisfy that small and base component. I see it as a small child that simply needs to be recognized and affirmed, but NOT catered to and spoiled at the cost of all other peace and harmony. It is a continuing struggle....

I encourage any and all reading this to take whatever steps are needed to pull back from the drive to discover all that exists "out there" and to try and explain it from an intellectual standpoint. I even more strongly encourage you to refrain from attempting to convince others of your own discoveries, as you do not do this out of compassion or love for anyone, but to satisfy your inner desire to be right and have what you have picked up and put into your collection of "truths" validated. The truly benevolent manifestation of this practice is to give and share your experience as something to be weighed by the other on their own scales and checked for a deeper resonance. The expectation that your own personal discoveries be adopted by anyone else is an affront and not borne from a place of Love. It is shown that this is the cause of much violence in our world.

  If one can truly begin to comprehend what "All" encompasses, it becomes clear that there is no single, Universal Truth that will be shared by every individual as we stroll around and try to find our way as Humans. That is entirely OK and proper. I encourage you to reflect upon what is contained within the concept of All, and see that what we can likely never reach that point where we can grasp it - short of returning to the Source of it All. There are no limitations, no "right" and "wrong" within this construct, and no real reason to take any of it personally. It simply "is", or is in the process of "becoming". Where we, as individual fragments, fit into this picture is not entirely clear to me, but a fuzzy outline is beginning to form and I know it is not simply a matter of clicking on the right link to arrive there.......

Tap that Source. It is All there, and that is the Truth.


Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Fuck You, Mr Kerry

Take all of your lying, scheming, insane friends and GET THE FUCK OFF MY PLANET!

All of the sold-out, soulless ghouls salivating for another illegal. immoral, criminal "humanitarian war" can go straight to hell where you can spend eternity buggering each other. If I have to hear about "moral high ground" as we prepare to kill untold innocent civilians (AGAIN!!!) one more time, I may be forced to vomit.

WE provided Saddam Hussein with chemical weapons and gave him the support he needed to effectively use them during the Iran-Iraq war. There is NO PLACE for anyone in our power structure to be standing anywhere NEAR what is termed "moral high ground".

How stupid do these ass-clowns think we are?

The drums I saw in a report, alleged to be chemical components used as weapons, were marked with "Cargill" tags for fuck's sake!!!

Moral high ground.......what a fucking sad joke.

Seriously, this shit has got to end, and at this point if our entire planet is consumed by what is to come, I think it would not be a bad thing. Hit the fucking reset button.

I apologize for not posting for so long and then coming in with this screed, but I simply cannot believe we are going to do what appears will be done soon, and in the name of "good". I have simply had nothing to say but today I need to speak up and SHOUT my disapproval of this madness. The notion that my labor, my toil, is skimmed off to finance this stuff makes me want to end my own life. It is not worth it and I see no way to right any of this short of the complete destruction of the "Western" world in its current state. I feel powerless (I am). I feel lied to and cheated (we have been). I sense that all of this is leading up to some kind of really big show that has at its conclusion a world where NOTHING is as it was - and I am OK with that. I am glad I live right next to a military installation. Maybe if we go all-out WW3, I can take some comfort in the fact that I would likely be vaporized in the initial volley. I probably couldn't get that lucky though.

Hey, when 90% of a population is against something, and it appears to be on track in spite of this fact, the illusion of any sort of "representative democracy" needs to be put to rest once and for all. It sounds like a dictatorship to me.

I would also apologize for my profanity, but the scope of what is taking place and the evil intent behind it is far more profane than any words I may use.

Fuck you, Mr. Kerry. and all of your cohorts. Endlessly, without your consent, and in such a fashion that your worthless soul (if you even have one - I have serious doubts) will NEVER incarnate again in such an evil guise. And to think, I was relieved when that witch HR Clinton stepped down............

All that said, I am now going to force myself to cast out as much of this violent hatred I am carrying, and try and connect with the Love that I KNOW is at the core of my being. If I am to witness another atrocity, and possibly be killed at some point down the line here by the violence that seems to be everywhere, my only wish is to do so with love in my heart instead of the blackness that resides there.

God, please help us to endure the actions of those who would be our "leaders", and spare the innocent ones any suffering as we march to what is seemingly a very bad end.

All my Love to you people. I pray that we emerge from all of this with our own souls intact. It's all a dream, right? For the purpose of demonstration? We volunteered for this? Who knows? Who really knows? Maybe we shall soon find something out. This cannot hold for much longer.


Friday, October 12, 2012

Profits of Doom

Do you remember the early days of your inquiry? Can you recall the sense that you were discovering things that had gone hidden for ages, but now were being "leaked" out and shared in hushed tones by those that had risen above the masses of the incurious, simply foolish or otherwise deluded?

You figured out long ago that there were dark conspiracies afoot and a storm on the horizon. Or maybe your belief system indicated the imminent return of your Savior which required a certain amount of prep, because it was for you and those who were less informed or blessed would certainly come to try and take your "blessings" from you. You knew that time was running short and that you had to try and open the eyes of your neighbors and loved ones. Bit by bit you heard other voices chime in and began to see that you were not alone. Websites popped up and groups formed to begin to prepare for what was to come. Take careful note of that word and reflect on that concept for a moment.


 For many that has a definite meaning to it - get in a position to be able to endure whatever comes at you in this existence so that you may continue on at any cost. This may mean aligning one's self with a group of kindred spirits, or simply stocking up on canned goods and ammo preparing to duke it out with any that would come into firing range. For others it could be shedding the bonds of a system that appears to be failing and starting out on a new path, which is likely a very old one. The thing that is obvious is that many are feeling the oncoming change and being compelled to adjust, or are finding new ways to burrow deeper into what is known in search of the comfort that lies in being rigid and unyielding, while hoping for a return to the "good old days".

How does it feel now that your discoveries have gone mainstream? That industry has sprung up to support your efforts? How many movies or TV shows can you watch that deal with any number of Doomsday scenarios? I'm quite certain that a post-apocalyptic world will be filled with hot babes with crossbows, their hair care products and makeup being being the things they stocked up on the most.  Hey, there must be be quite a number of you out there to make the resonance that pervasive.
Check out what these guys have to say;

Well, if Mick and Keef are feeling it.........

The force that I see in play here that is the biggest threat, and that suggests something to the contrary within the message, is that we need to further isolate ourselves and prepare to do deeper battle with each other. Throughout human history we have see this played out in various ways, and to arrive at a literal bunker mentality with encouragement from central casting is no surprise at all. How many ways do we have to look at a fellow human and see the "other"? How many ways do we divide ourselves into groups suitable for suspicion, derision, or even attack? We have been taught to compete in our work, our play, and even in our art? The world may need to be entirely fragmented before it comes around again and unites as a whole.

Paranoia and fear of those not fully in line with our own sensibilities is the biggest weapon used against us by those who would seek to control us - whoever/whatever that may be. Our egos will not celebrate our diverse nature and allow the full expression of All without a fight, and now there are those who will profit from this mindset and encourage further division and fear as it will bring greater profits. I hear firearms and other assorted forms of destruction are hugely successful ventures right now. Soon it may be that simply waiting for "the other shoe to drop" may be insufficient and some sort of "pre-emptive" measures will need to be taken. I just don't know.

What are you feeling? Can you get to the core of you and filter out all of the noise to hear what your best friend intuition has to say about all of this? I won't be trying to add my voice this time because all inquiry into the deepest parts come up blank and empty. There is no great revelation or spectacular show to share with anyone. Just that same still, silent, glowing, grinning presence that brings calm and serenity when I inquire within. A deep breath taken in and thoughtlessly released. Beauty is all around, as it has always been, coexisting with destructive (to our interpretation) forces that bring about change and renewal. There is a sense that something is afoot, but something is ALWAYS afoot - it is a constant. Trying to figure out what will be is likely one of the oldest exercises humanity has engaged in. How many ages have passed that were thought to be the "End Times"? Yet here we are still.

There was a time when I sought out an avenue to try and discern what, exactly, was going on in the world. I would log onto various websites and have discussions with fellow seekers knowing that with enough effort and the right link TRUTH would be revealed to me. I was told that to find said truth, I must earn the right by striving harder, sacrificing more, or buying into someone else's belief because obviously it had not reached me yet as I was not worthy or not doing it right. What I began to see was a feedback loop of ever-increasing intensity that got deeper and deeper into the DOOOOOMM! meme. Every day brought that single event closer and closer, with links, pics, and a parade of commentary to support the doom-of-the day scenario. I wonder what it is today that is the final straw?

The end has come to many over this period of time of seeking, as has always been the case. Change is afoot as it has always been. I can absolutely guarantee that things will continue to change, sometimes even in big and dramatic ways - as they have always. This time may be unique, but it may also be mundane. Who knows? Do you have a link?

As an observation of a purely personal perspective, I can tell you that the constant rolling around in all of this increasingly shrill alarm sounding has taken a toll on me. The sense of being unable to do anything to ensure the safety of my family and those around me who inhabit this sphere is devastating, and has led on more than one occasion to a deep despair. I have found myself wishing for a quick demise more times than I could count, but continue to endure and marvel at what is available counter to the racket that exists "out there". Right there in every breath. What will be will always be, and the importance of perspective and above all, acceptance, has revealed itself. The gift of this life is wasted in an attempt to wall oneself up and defend against the inevitable force that is change. Being able to bend with the wind and find comfort in the swaying seems preferable to steeling against a force that will eventually snap you in 2.

Be well, Love each other and yourself. Refuse to be divided against those who may not see the world as you do, and hear the words of a wise man, now departed.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Delivering the Goods

"You better watch out and hold on tight,
                        We're headed your way like dynamite!"

Something sure is, or has more likely arrived and is being felt at some level by all those with the capacity to feel. Those who cannot simply continue to follow their base impulses and carry on as though everything is as it always was, while this mysterious force that is afoot twists at a subtle level and appears to be driving some people insane. But it simply shall not be. Change is a constant and those who cling to the hope that somehow a return to "normal" is possible are likely to be left disappointed and bitter. It's all an illusion anyway.

    Speaking of illusions and getting back to the title of this little missive, one of my prior jobs was as a truck drivin' delivery guy. This put me in a position to observe a lot of different things as well as learn a whole lot about what was real and what was something quite apart from reality. In my first foray into this realm, I was delivering foodstuffs to Chinese restaurants all over the Twin Cities and up into the Iron Range and Duluth. This taught me, simply by observation, that the folks running these places often  worked harder than any people I had previously encountered. I recall rolling my hand-truck down some shaky stairways, laden with bamboo shoots or cans of plum sauce by the case - whatever the order of the day was - and often finding a small area back in a corner that was obviously used as sleeping quarters. Some of these folks actually lived in the storeroom of their restaurants, or at least were there for long enough hours that a nap was needed. It was pretty hard to complain too loudly about my own "hard work" when I at least got to go home to a clean, good-smelling house with an equally good-smelling wife and just put it behind me with an electronic distraction or a couple beers. How could people live like that?

     Another thing that struck me deeply was the level of generosity that was displayed by some of the proprietors. Very often, an egg-roll or small container of fried rice was offered, maybe a few chicken wings - you know, a sample of their wares as a gesture of gratitude for my efforts. These were always the family-run places where you would find mom and dad in the kitchen, the kids waiting tables, and toothless grandma popping the stems off the green beans somewhere out of sight. There was even a spot in Silver Bay that I stopped at once a week where I was met with a hearty handshake by the Matriarch, led to a table set just for me, and a menu set down with instructions to order a lunch and choose what I would then take home for dinner or a snack later as it was 14 hour day. This stop also featured a semi-regular introduction to whatever daughter, cousin, or niece had dropped in or just arrived in country, with the inevitable telling of her superior cooking skills and qualities as a prospective mate. What a trip. I was just the delivery guy, yet I would be treated like family. There was usually not much chance to communicate directly with the elders due to language barriers, but seldom would my gaze not be met with a wide grin and genuine warmth. Very humbling and a great teaching experience that I will never forget.

     The next role I assumed in "delivery guy" land was bringing high-end furnishings to our clients and setting it all up, instructing in the care of their new goodies, and acting as a customer service rep when things were in need of fixing or retrieving. This opened a door to another kind of insight that was quite different from the Chinese food gig. This was during the mid 90's, and was a time when if you had a pulse and didn't have to be in the workhouse for more that 20 hours a week, you were employable. I had become a homeowner and a Father, and found that I had attained a status that was never dreamed of in my world - dad and sole breadwinner. It was also during this time that I was playing in a shitty cover band on the weekends for extra dough, and also just to hang out with my friends and keep my chops up. These were the golden times, or so it seemed.

    One of the things that began to creep in around this time was a sense that something was slightly amiss. Day after day I would load up my truck with exotic woods and crafted metals, filling these huge new housing developments with furnishings and marveling at the number of very young people occupying these spaces. It was common to roll up to a 3,500 square foot shack with a couple brand-new SUV's in the driveway, maybe a Beemer for the wife, Harley's  - you get the picture - and then start dragging in 10-20K$ worth of goodies to adorn the castles we now know as the McMansion. A question kept popping up in my head after a while. Where the hell were these kids getting all that money?!? I think we know the answer to that now, don't we? It was an illusion.

   Not surprisingly, the interface with these customers was an experience quite apart from the folks at the Chinese joints. It seemed the norm that along with the huge shacks came a huge ego, and very little sense of gratitude. The level of expectation was pretty high, and very early on it became a test of wills and often went directly to a shakedown of these prickly creatures. You see, one of the rules our company had was that we were not allowed to carry the customer's existing furnishings around, and that they were required to have the space the new goodies would occupy clear and ready for us to install the new stuff. Guess how often that happened? I'm sure they saw us a some kind of knuckle-dragging, low functioning monkeys that could only get work like that because we were unable to do anything else. They were quite mistaken in that assumption I can assure you. I sought out this work because I liked the physicality of it and the simplicity of filling up a truck in the morning and knowing you were done when it was empty, plus being teamed up with one other person away from the "hive" and getting to interface with people was always a treat, even though I may sound disparaging of them. It was a tremendous learning experience and it felt very free and autonomous.

   My first partner in this venture was US Marine veteran of the first Iraq war, and had participated in what has since been named the "Highway of Death" event. Dude was damaged, but still had a soul somehow, and had precisely ZERO tolerance for bullshit or drama. So, when Amber or Tiffany asked us to move the existing sofa bed down to the basement so we could put in the new one because Ted was too busy or out of town or otherwise could not be bothered to do so, my man would get the look - a slight twisting of the corner of the mouth, soon followed by the question "show us what you need us to do and we'll let you know if we can do that". Often that would be enough to create a frown, merely hinting at a potential unwillingness to do their bidding, or get the cash out to grease the wheels, but frequently we would take a look, grumble a bit about the difficulty (or relative ease - hey, we were honest at least) and then the bomb would be dropped. "That looks like about $50 right there". The first time it happened, I was a bit taken aback. "Dude, we aren't supposed to charge for extra services like that - we aren't even supposed to TOUCH their stuff! This feels wrong". What was wrong was feeling the least bit guilty about entering into an agreement independently to get something done that ultimately benefited all involved. They got their furnishings, we got paid for breaking "company rules", and risking injury above and beyond, and it was all good. I got over it VERY quickly.

   There were many other times where the customers simply asked nicely if we would be willing to help, and in most of these cases we would do so without hesitation because hey, you asked nicely instead of assuming we were there to rearrange your house for you. Attitude was everything here, and I never felt bad about doing it for free, even if it was high effort or dangerous. Tips would almost always be offered, and I even got to take home some very nice used furnishings for my own home. The solid oak Ethan Allen dining table I am currently at as I type this was from one such trip. "If you want it it's yours - we were going to throw it away......."

    "Throw-away" brings me back to these huge suburban palaces we would so often enter, all gleaming with miles of granite counters and maple trim. Being formerly in the trades (cabinet maker) it was fun to   take a look at the craftsmanship employed in building these mammoth structures. Far more often than not, in fact almost universally, they were slapped together with a level of care that makes me wonder how some of them are standing today. Sure, you may have lots of space, but just don't look too closely at that woodwork or the sheetrocking or the landscaping or the vinyl siding.........crap, all of it. My little 1 1/2 story home near the urban center had been built in 1927, and was constructed to a level of quality that allowed it to still be completely solid and even beautiful in its own way many decades later, something that I am pretty sure will not be the case with the shacks built when they were tossing them up as fast as humanly possible. They sure were big though..........

   Around this time I also began to get these strange and very frequent calls and letters from my mortgage company, practically begging me to refinance at a lower rate and take out some extra cash for  "that family vacation, new car, or home improvement you deserve". It got to the point where it felt like I was being hassled, so one day when they rang me up I asked the caller a simple question. "I understand you want me to refi at this wonderful lower rate, and maybe take out some "equity" on top. Why in the world would you want to do this as it will mean less profit for you in the long run?!?". I knew something was up when the answer was "Because you have been such a good customer, and you really DESERVE to take advantage of the rapid rise in home values. That's YOUR money!" Oh boy. Here is Wells Fargo going out of their way to "reward" me for being so awesome? I wasn't buying it. I did refi once, but did not take out a bunch of "equity" until I needed the capital to do improvements to try and sell the joint after values plummeted.................

    It wasn't long after that that life delivered a couple solid blows via a 2x4 upside the head, with the deaths of both parents, being diagnosed with a potentially fatal disease, and being fired from my job after a major surgery took me off my truck and into the office, where I struggled to fit in, then moved to the prep area, and finally back onto the truck where I struggled to get back up to speed. Despair had set in and the path through darkness began in earnest.

     Luckily for my family and I, my wife rose to the challenge and went out and got a job that met our needs and does to this day, at least financially. Now, I find that her situation in that position has come full circle and it is a cage of sorts that threatens her health and sanity. It is all a cage, really, the entire wage slave paradigm. During my time at home and the "dark night of the soul", a tremendous amount of new awareness was picked up and carries me forward today as I ponder going back out into the workplace to try and reclaim my place as breadwinner and all that, but to be honest the heart really longs to find a way out of this doomed model and get to the end of that long dirt road in the middle of nowhere, drawn strangely to a lifestyle far closer to the smiling restaurant owner than the smarmy suburban success story. Those are the people I encounter daily, raging behind the wheel while texting and screaming at the kids in the backseat, because their video has ended and mom isn't loading the next one fast enough. The McMasions are becoming the new 'hood in some ways, and so many of those places are abandoned or underwater it wouldn't surprise me if they stat knocking them down again.

    So, how to detach from all of this entanglement and head off into the far reaches to live closer to the Earth, in a manner more closely aligned with the people who lived here on this land before my ancestors even began arriving from the Old World? I suppose I could get back into a truck and hit the road, playing at "normal" for a while longer before the next 2x4 starts swinging, but there are all these angry, aggressive lunatics out there now taking out their angst in ways that are a perfect metaphor for the times. Something is afoot, and I see it on the faces of people everywhere. It is a sight to behold, really.

   I used to think "entitlement" was a catchword used by those on the "right" to dismiss those who they wanted dismissed or minimized. I now have come to see that it is a real thing, and know better why the old Chinese folks were always smiling. Perspective is everything, gratitude a necessity, and nothing will ever be like it was before. Thank goodness. The pics are a reminder of where the happy place can be found, lost in vibrations and grateful for the gifts and interest of that which animates us. Thanks for taking me on this trip, and thank you for joining me in this small part of it.