All of it is.
Likely always has been, but the degree to which this has become obvious in all realms of this thing we term "Existence" is truly beyond any doubt for me. Many of us claim to have discovered some sort of "Truth" and many more pretend to be actively seeking same, but please note that if one is using any of the 5 (known) senses to do so your chances of success are basically nil as far as I can tell. This place is some kind of movie and while I don't claim to know who is writing and producing it (suspicions only), it is less and less interesting all the time. I can even say I'm done and ready to go home now please, but my ride has yet to arrive so I will stay here and try to pay attention for a bit longer.......
Humans lie. We lie to each other and most often, to ourselves. In the coarser aspect, there is little that a person can hear, read, or even see these days that isn't tainted by another's perspective - for better or worse is up to individual interpretation I suppose. Most of it is simply there to either steer or obfuscate. Or simply to further confuse those that attempt to navigate this realm using the common tools at hand. Personal beliefs can be reinforced or challenged, but seldom directly changed by this process, unless the recipient is a truly open receptacle - and even then the turn is likely heading for another dark alley. How do we really come to understand ANYTHING as being true anymore? What does that word even mean? We are probably forced to lie to ourselves, and then others to satisfy our representative self. More and more the notion of any universal (small "u") "truths" existing seems comical in the extreme, yet it appears that we try and try to identify something as being so and then set out to defend that determination with varying degrees of determination, depending on how deeply-rooted this "truth" has become. The Ego is a mofo to be sure. It runs in direct opposition to the notion of what "All" might signify. Forgive my clumsy wording here - this is part of the reason I no longer feel compelled to write anymore. I don't know what I am trying to say most of the time.
I was granted a bit of a break from my own hapless flailing recently since I had taken on a job that occupied most of my time and a huge percentage of my energy. After my day's toil, it seemed all I could do to make it home and feed myself before collapsing into bed to rest for the next day's repeated activity. There were some positive aspects to be sure, and one that was somewhat unexpected - I no longer had the time or energy to look out at the greater world and try to sort out what was really going on via the usual avenues. No time to peruse any sort of "news" or media of any kind, really. This also took a toll on my human relationships, as there was less time to engage in conversation with those near and far that have come to mean so much to me. Another compromise made I guess, in the interest of maintaining some sort of presence here in this show. I mostly did it for my family and for my sense of worth as measured by the yardstick at hand. Another part of me hated every second of it.
On the other side, I was helping to lessen the strain of trying to maintain our middle-class suburban status by giving us at least a small margin to operate with, and even maybe hope to some day get "caught up" and beyond the constant threat of wolves at our door. We are not there yet, and now I sit here unable to continue this process as I pay my penalty for "breaking the rules". I won't get into the specifics, really. I knew what I signed up for and still pretended that I was not subject to any imposed restrictions on my behaviour outside of my "job" since I felt they were arbitrary and unjust. Arrogance got the best of me, and now I bow my head and leap through the hoops placed before me to regain favor and get back into line with the rest of the herd. Yippee. Is it time to go yet? Damn......
Having some free time again, I thought I would take a peek at some things I had once used to help form my worldview, and to try and navigate the ups and downs that we all face on this ride. Not surprisingly, I found much the same as before, only now with a curious twist to it all - it seemed even MORE insultingly contrived and even LESS likely to contain any degree of unfiltered truth. So much bullshit floating around, and now there is seemingly endless propaganda afloat to reinforce ANY chosen worldview! Why do I keep beating my head against the same wall over and over? Why do so few even attempt to weigh what is placed before them to try and sort the poison out? Ah, to each their own - free will and all, right? I'm beginning to see that it is all just there for no other reason than to fool us into continuing to seek out items of value outside ourselves. A head-fake. A distraction. A way to piss away an entire lifetime (or many!) spinning around in circles looking for the right path to take us...............somewhere. Home? Away? Anyplace but right here, right now? Man, I sure don't know, but I feel foolish for wasting so much time and energy trying to convince myself I had a clue.
(I have to keep remembering that we all get to choose how we go about our business, and to avoid the trap that compares my own path to that of anyone else.)
For a long time, I used the "Opposite World" measure for new inputs. If something was being trumpeted as the "Truth" I would first consider the opposite and begin from there. This still works to a degree, but now it seems that the masks have all begun to be removed and the need for obfuscation is dwindling. Those who would pretend to steer the course of world events, and as a result our daily lives, appear to have become so emboldened that any pretense is simply not necessary. It is certainly far easier to be up-front and truthful about one's actions and intentions if there is no threat of challenge or retaliation from those who would be opposed to whatever you are up to. Being a liar takes extra care and effort, as keeping things hidden gets harder and harder to do. There is an apparent "waking up" of a greater number of people, at least to the fact that most of what they have taken on as reliable and trustworthy really isn't. Maybe that is the point of all of what is found "out there". Finally reaching a point where we all say "fuck this" and just distill our efforts down to the very moment we are in and the immediate surroundings. That might actually start to lead us to a point where we can begin to see what we are, or maybe better still, what we are supposed to be (or truly are but just don't know it yet). Then we might stand a chance of taking on some methods to refine our senses and tune into the messages that actually have importance and potential for creating.........well, I don't know exactly, but "not this" is a start. But it is all a process I suppose. Round and round we go.
I don't really even know why I am sitting here writing this right now, as there are likely more important things I could be doing. Sitting outside in the Sun and watching my breathing comes to mind. Focusing the energy that exists inside me on staying present rather than wandering off into the illusion yet again would be good. Trying harder to keep the interloper from dropping in and hijacking my mind and taking it to some as-yet arrived at horror show - been there enough to be sure. There has been an urge to let some of this stuff out for a while, and I guess for whatever reason now is the time and this is the method. I have no illusions that there is any value in this exercise beyond having a conversation with myself, and maybe because I long to connect with anyone who might share any small portion of my heart as I attempt to open it up and peek inside. It's funny, but I have never felt so utterly lost but at the same time never as OK with it as I do right now. Is it despair? It doesn't feel like that. It just feels......impersonal and without judgement at the finer moments. Acceptance with a dose of strange euphoria mixed in sometimes. Strange.
If one looks through the window into what passes for our shared "reality" right now, it would seem that there are very powerful indications that something "big" is looming (when ISN'T there?!?). It could even be said that we are on the very edge of a profound change - good, bad, but more likely indifferent if I am taking the hints right. All I know is that the scenes I am seeing are both comically and tragically so over-the-top that I simply no longer know what might be in store, and care less and less to be emotionally involved in it. And that is OK. It's all just some sort of projection, right? Bad Theater indeed.
In spite of any of that poorly scripted drama, something continues to animate me and allows me the choice to get sucked into the vortex of lies and confusion, or not move one centimeter beyond the breath that emerges from my body. Sometimes it is easy to stay centered and in the present; other times, I am swept away by the current scene playing and find all manner of reactions taking place that I would never willingly invite on board. I thank the Universe for at least allowing me the choice where to reside, and also for allowing that warm, glowing component that resides in the center of this body to ALWAYS be there to remind me that I am never truly alone. Gratitude arises, as does the need to say how much I miss a simpler time, and most of all, those who I no longer communicate with directly. I'm still here. For whatever reason the breath continues to flow in and out, and another chance to make choices about which story I want to watch arrives. It doesn't even matter "why" or "how" anymore, it just simply "is" I guess. I'm out.
Much Love for All, and endless gratitude for this opportunity,
Fake it till you make it, a personal note
5 weeks ago