I give. Uncle. Let me up, I've had enough.
This is too much to carry around, so please take it from me. There is no outcome on this path other than total destruction and I'm not ready for that - if I may be so bold as to assume any sort of say in the matter.
Hey guy in the Escalade with that trendy Mega-church sticker in the window - I forgive you. I owe you a debt of gratitude even. 7 hours ago my fondest fantasy was to follow you to wherever you were going and drag you from your vehicle so I could administer a proper curb-stomping. I know it must be huge fun to roll around in your big Cadillac truck endangering other's lives - that much was obvious from the way you were laughing so hard as we did our little dance. I see what you did there.........
Thanks for indulging me when I needed to go right to the very edge and cast my safety to the wind like that. I will admit it was invigorating in an odd way. Maybe I can return the favor some day. I'm glad now that I wasn't able to connect with that kick to your door, because that would have made it something I could feel bad about after the fact. Such a shiny machine you were driving. It would have been a shame to damage it in any way, even if it would have been when you intentionally veered into my line in attempt to crush me. It's all good. No harm, no foul.
I forgive all you Public Servants toiling away on my behalf, trying so very hard to protect me from myself and all the evils of the wider world. I see what you're up to as well. You too, anonymous commenters, and all you bloggers and "journalists" making up the din that is never-ending and taking us all further into hell. I would really like to tell you all to get over yourselves and maybe take a walk and get some fresh air, but that is what I'm gonna do instead of investing another minute listening to or reading your bullshit. I know, I know - you really DO have it all figured out and I'm just a sheeple, or Libtard, or whatever other derisive word is popular right now when dismissing someone who has a differing opinion or experience. Have at each other, reinforcing that ever-expanding imagined division between yourself and your brothers and sisters. I'm sure that will work out great for all involved. I know you will be there if I should need to cover myself in that particular stench again, but I hope to not be in that spot anytime soon. You shall receive no more of my time or emotional energy. That is a promise.
The addition of the subtle and not-so-subtle T&A at your websites was a nice touch, by the way. I realize it wasn't placed there by you yourself and is simply part of the cost of doing business in your neck of the woods, but you were the one who chose to "monetize" your location - heck, we all gotta eat, right? So what harm can a little 3d party advertising do, even if some of it is thinly-veiled soft porn (the woman with her head tilted up, eyes closed and mouth open getting that "salad dressing" all over her chin was brilliant!)? Nothing like devolving right down to the basest levels while providing quality misdirection and spin. I have to ask though, what's with all the strange, twisted visages of human forms? Is the woman with the ass as wide as her shoulders on an otherwise fit form supposed to attract the eye due to the sheer comical nature of the proportions, or do you think we'll believe it is real and click for a closer view of your freak? The distorted faces and creepy old people are just that - creepy. It doesn't matter, because I'm done with all of it.
Speaking of clicking, I will say I didn't much appreciate the constant attacks on my computer generated by whatever nefarious bugs were lurking - even at sites that had an air of legitimacy or even, dare I say, "light" in their message. Pretty sneaky to try and draw in folks who are looking for some sort of refuge or keys to improvement, then unleashing digital demons that hang up, shut down or even attempt to destroy a person's computer. I guess that's my bad for thinking once again that there is any sort of "truth" to be found out there, simply by getting the url right. Silly me.
So, the rules have changed I see. It is now quite obviously the time of instant feedback and immediate consequence. I used to be able to slide into that old familiar space and carry around a chip on my shoulder for a while, slowly working through it until it was no longer needed for the lesson at hand, but I guess there is a new protocol in place. I see now what happens if I dare linger in a place of anger for even a few minutes; it is returned with interest. Damn, I was SO into that raging place, too, and thought that maybe it could be redirected and used as fuel for good works, but no; it has to boomerang and come right back with an even heavier load attached. Geez, is there something going on here that requires a reinvestigation of how one carries their energies around? Some deeper changes at hand? Is it no longer OK to fall back into those old, reliable grooves of anger and pessimism when attempting to navigate what passes for life these days? Someone even suggested I had some cynicism in me recently. Go figure......
It will be an interesting test to see what will happen should I become able to reconnect with a calmer, gentler way of being. I see what happens when I walk around like a loaded gun, broadcasting my darkness, and geez, what do you know, attracting the same?! It would be quite a thing to be in the opposite realm, carrying forth with nothing but lightness and a deep, abiding love on tap. I have been there before. I know the magic that is contained in that heart space. The whole world changes. I intend to reclaim that position and can only hope that when the outgoing wave returns it will also be bringing along an amplified crescendo to crush me completely. I need it. Bring it on.
One final point, and this one is for you, Universe. I don't know what was up with depriving me of my avenue of expression for so long, but that will also be changing. Not being able to play my instrument for all these many months was truly the final straw and it will NOT continue. It cannot. I know in the past I have not properly honored the gifts given to me, but I am making the correction of that wrong my top priority, along with the restoration of the body used in these exercises. You first introduced me to the magic of spirit through this avenue, and the removal of that path has brought much pain and humility. Being used by you to allow your outward expression hooked me like the finest drug imaginable, and I want more of it. I know "I" could never play like that.....
Please grant me the ability to be a channel for those glorious vibrations once again. I surrender fully to you and wish only to serve the higher purpose and to do justice to the tasks at hand; with grace, proper humility, and the furtherance of Loving Intention. Use me. Burn me up completely if you wish, just please don't let me be destroyed by some misdirected, careless act carried out in anger. You almost let me go there. I'm hoping there was a reason I was pulled back from that brink in the last possible moment. I am, in fact, counting on it.
Fake it till you make it, a personal note
4 weeks ago