It's Nothing Personal
It has been 9 months since I last felt motivated to sit down and write anything in this space, long enough for much to transpire, more to expire, and for endless opportunities to become lost in the trap that is Earthly desire. It is also the length of time require to conceive and bring forth a human life, and for some reason the notion of birth/rebirth seems at the fore a great deal these days. It would seem that much is as it always has been, yet nothing will ever be the same again. And why would it be? What is the "normal" that people talk about? How can we hope to "go back to the way it was" if we only then wound up where we are now, wishing we were somewhere else preceding it? At a base level, when I hear talk of getting the "job situation" or "housing prices" back to "normal" it just ceases to be anything other that a repeating of some sort of mantra. Give it up, folks. There is no going back anymore.
I have had a very interesting time of it over these last several months, having been through a process of tempering it seems, watching so many illusions be revealed for what they truly are and seeing the potential for some tiny rays of understanding to peek through. I went many months without a computer and found it to be pretty OK to be cut off from my usual haunts and sources of "information". I did miss many of the people I had come to consider friends, though. The one message that gets louder and louder, however, is that through all of this trip known as Life here on Earth, it really isn't about "Me" in any way, shape or form.
It would appear that the entire concept of "Me" is the biggest trap there is - the starting point for all manner of ills, bad feelings, anger, and the biggie of all biggies, fear. What a magnificent tool for both manipulation and total freedom, this concept of the Self which puts us immediately at odds in so many ways with the balance of Creation. I just don't buy it anymore - sorry. The dissolution of same would appear to also be the key to reintegration with All, and having had an experience of that state I can say only this - there is no other event that can be placed above this because the Void contains, within its complete and utter emptiness, the potential for anything and everything. Words tend to be pretty inadequate to try and describe what it is that has been shown to me, but I can say with great confidence that what passes as "normal" around here gets further and further from what seems to be, if I dare use such a loaded word (and I guess I do!), Truth.
Please hit the refresh button on the word fool from the beginning, because this is only a report from what passes as an individual vantage point and truly, I know nothing and have little clue where this comes from or why I am bothering to bang on these keys to spell any of the observations out. Maybe it was the spicy dinner or the DMT documentary, or the afterglow of Lovemaking.........
It almost seems profane in a way to continue to use the words "me" and "I", as it becomes more and more evident that heading down that path is the on-ramp to suffering and woe. Rising from an early bedtime, these words came in and wanted to get put out there so the reflection might help to further distill them and maybe be put to the test by others that have an opinion. Ego looking for validation? Surely. That component is still on board, but more and more it trails behind at a distance and only jumps up when there is a strong trigger or a moment of inattentiveness to what is trying to intrude upon the mindless state that is making a home at the core. It is simply a deep breath, exhaled and radiating outward to go where it will, leaving a calm and warmed space behind that contains - nothing but stillness and a subtle vibration that occupies every particle with this body. Is that it? Is this something to strive for and see as an accomplishment of some sort? I think it is.
You can have all your book-learning, all your credentials and social status, material goodies and presumed power over others. Take it all, because it is worthless in this space. What are you trying to prove? What are you so afraid of? All those things are distractions from the essence of what Life has come to mean here - allowing everything to wash over this form and without judgement or entanglement and to just simply Be. I now see why some people wander off into the wild and never return. Those are the true Masters, the ones who can just jump off and realize they always had everything they needed the whole time. I wish I knew what I was talking about, but then I would have to go to through the motions of trying to employ the mind to do what it seems incapable of doing yet again. Fool. Wisdom does NOT reside above the neck in the cranium.
Looking out at the world we appear to be inhabiting, it gets more and more difficult to identify with so much of what is transpiring. Listening to politicians speak and then hearing what their followers spout when they line up on their nice, neat opposing sides is so alien it seems a sad joke. There have been a number of candidates banging on the door lately, all hoping to convince me that they are the one that will finally fix everything for me if I just get on board, and all I can do is laugh and wish them luck. "What are the issues most important to you this election cycle?" How about the hope that at some point you will cease to try and legislate the world into something that fits all people all the time? Give it up, dude. I know that we are supposed to pick a side and recite the talking points according to our party or particular fears, but please.......
Apathy is not something they seem to know how to deal with, although once the frustrated look wears off and I ask if they are seeing a lot of this these days, the heart warms a bit when they reply in the affirmative. Good luck with all that, Fearless Leaders. Would you like some cool water? It's hotter that Hell out here, isn't it?
When the religious devotees appear, it is a similar drill. Those who are so convinced of their having "figured it out" can only shake their head and usually search for that piece of scripture that they hope will prove their point when confronted with the words I utter. Are they doing it for me or are they trying so hard in an effort to validate their own position by getting others to agree with them? The Jehovah's Witnesses are the most persistent of the lot, and the same couple and many of their relations have been coming by for a couple years now, why I'm not quite sure. I don't get it sometimes, this need to try and convince others of their own personal discoveries, but I do have to admire their devotion and ability to absorb ill treatment. Striving to live a life as filled with Love and compassion as is possible is the ticket to Heaven as far as I am concerned, because in doing acts of Love and kindness it comes right here into existence in real-time. Why wait for some payoff after you croak when it is available RIGHT NOW?
Last night my wife and I were on our way to a party to celebrate the release of a CD that 2 friends and I made. It was a very inspired project that had the feeling of Divine support in its ease of production and the vibes that surrounded it. It was nearly effortless and I was quite proud of the results even though my role was as Producer and Engineer rather than Artist (not about ME!).
I was feeling so very good as we neared the exit off the freeway, and then noticed a car screaming up behind me at a great rate of speed. 2 lanes over was another speeding car and it was obviously a drag race of sorts between the 2. There was nowhere to go to avoid this oncoming fool, so I applied my brake briefly to signal him to back off and angrily flipped him the bird as he got quite literally 3-4 feet from my rear bumper at 60 mph (he had approached at a speed likely close to 80). It scared me, and of course the anger reaction kicked in immediately. I wanted to engage this transgressor and indulge the component within that wields the sword and awaits just such incidents to prove he is needed. Deep breaths. We are ok.
I let him pass and he would not meet my eyes and seemed to look down a bit as his passenger looked ahead in terror. I could not fully take on the anger that wanted to dig into me, and found calm returning in short order. This is major progress compared to the past 6 months or so.
The evening was an amazing celebration of music, good food, pets, children, and I got to see some friends I had not been with in over a decade. It didn't seem like a day had been missed. Taking to the makeshift stage and rending the air with raucous vibrations brought on a wave of joy and genuine celebration in the crowd. No judgement, no expectation, just rolling with the flow of what appears more and more to be an endless stream of ease and even bliss, if only "I" can get out of my own way.
I used to punish myself for all of my perceived shortcomings and failing to really "achieve" anything of note in this lifetime, but it has dawned on me that everywhere I look there is beauty, grace, and most of all, the opportunity to be lost in Love by giving it freely and being willing to accept the gift of same. All that is required is to clear out the noise and distraction, and make way for the vessel to be filled to overflowing. It is All, a blessing, and so very welcome as the outside world by all appearances spins off into some sort of mad death spiral. This whole viewpoint could be shattered in the morning, or it could become the new, permanent resident here - we shall see. But please, let's not go back to anything resembling "normal".
My best to any and All who hear these words, and the same for those who never will.
I don't know quite how I stumbled upon your site, except perhaps by grace.
ReplyDeleteYour words were exactly what I needed to hear, as they contain a truth I needed to be reminded of. So beautifully, honestly and simply written. No New Age jargon. No agenda.
I will save this and read it again and again.
You've given a gift, here. And at least one random searcher has received it with great appreciation.
Thank you sincerely,
CKP in Colorado
CKP, thank you for your kind words. It would appear that 2 gifts have been delivered as I am humbled by any resonance that is contained in my mere observations and musings. I often feel no desire to share as my words seem only to serve the remaining ego, but when compelled I do not resist and feel quite fortunate that the effort was received in the manner you state.
ReplyDeleteAll of my best to you and yours, and please do drop in again sometime.
Z
I have your site bookmarked now, so you can be sure that I will return repeatedly.
ReplyDeleteI've also gone back and read your posts through 2009. Count me as one more person who was feeling the same emotions during that time period. Three years later, and the anger has turned into more of a "battle fatigue" for me personally.
It is such a relief to find others that see the illusion for what it is, and the anguish that it is. The unexpected isolation from friends and family, who want to stay in denial, has been the hardest consequence of this "awakening" to understand and to bear.
I must say that your writing hits me right between the eyes. Your honesty is breathtaking. More, please. More.
CKP
If I see you on this road, I will not stare, that can be rude. I will call you friend,
ReplyDeleteit is OK to be a ghost. That is all to give, most ban this from broadcast, that is OK, not to say that being rubbed out by those who say they know life, is not to be unexpected, but there is some
Thanks for writing this. I resonate with it completely! The first poster said exactly what I was going to say. What a trip.
ReplyDeleteI don't blog surf very often, but after reading Visible's Origami today, I felt compelled to click on your blog from his blogroll. It was certainly meant to be.
Anyway, thanks again and "I'll be back."
So grateful that some resonance has been found. I appreciate the kind words and am reminded that those of us on the path we seem to be on are seldom shouting "Look at me!". Makes it a wonderful treat when we "bump" into each other.........
ReplyDeleteforgive the length of the reply.
ReplyDeletea piece i wrote some years ago demanded a place on this page.
who am i to argue?
The Return of Equanimity.
Now you might be wondering how it is I am starting with my return and leaving the actual journey to later.
I think it is because the journey is more dreamlike. It stands ethereal in my heart and mind and being home is actual, full bloodied, shocking, and a state o constant juggling.
I recall my father and Leslie asking me how I would readjust to being home, in its roughness and relative toughness. Oh me I said ever so smugly, my happiness is not dependent on externals. And I really believed that as I sat in beauty, sipping on cream and eating a selection of the finest berries. How wise you are my father said and I snuffled into my equanimity.
Well that soon departed. I think it left me as a widow on the flight home.
Firstly when I realized I had given my family the wrong date for my arrival and my anticipation of their concern and disappointment.
Secondly just the sheer grubbiness which comes from such a long haul.
Thirdly my confrontation with small penised customs officer at Heathrow sort of all took the sheen off my halo.
As soon as I had gathered my bags and walked through the doors I was knocked over (I think literally) by these beings that I call my children. Sheer exuberance and joy. Beautiful cards and a proliferation of petals. Talking non stop on the two hour drive home. The landscape, rugged and dry, majestic, the heat tortured despite the air conditioner. Where are the trees my soul demanded. Where is the beautiful landscape that felt like my spiritual home?
Arriving home, dogs happy, guinea pigs delighted. The birds sang a welcome aria especially for me; the cats immediately pushed their luck for food. We unpacked the loot. I raved about the beauty of the land that for so long I had hated because of certain leadership issues. When are we going there they cried? Tomorrow I answered, if I had any control over this dream.
Then I noticed the kitchen floor was filthy after having just being mopped. Splotches of watermelon juice stuck ones shoes to the floor. Picked up the mop and cleaned again only to see that it was futile.
All my desire for order and tidiness was as likely to happen as the pope converting to Judaism. Actually that might even be more likely than my kitchen floor ever been clean for more than half an hour or at least a meal.
So it was the roughness of the house, its lack of aesthetic beauty, even its lack of comfort in some areas. To read in bed follows a path like this:
going in search of an extension cord that has been hijacked.
Finding it I return upstairs only to discover that my fan has also been forcibly removed.
Off I go seeking that. Finding the fan I return with a slight glow of triumph only to find that the two point adapter is nowhere to be seen and once again I heave myself off into this huge space seeking always seeking something.
So for a few days it was complete denial. It should not be like this, it should be different, I don’t like, I hate it. I guess you could say the pain body which had been silent for the duration of my three week break let the full extent of its capacity be felt. I slept for two full afternoons, putting it down to jet lag, which it could well have been but I think at some level some transition needed to be made and rest never goes awry.
On Sunday morning, the fourth day home I was lying in bed early in the morning, before the sun had popped over the horizon. Some resistances were creeping in. And an inner voice said hey Susannah how about instead of looking at it as “mine”“look at it as” this”. So my children became these children. My house became this house. My body became this body. My crappy courtyard became this crappy courtyard. I cannot begin to tell you how changing from my to this shifted me out of the quagmire. The mind when bathed in personal attention can only ever talk shit.